Life of Bryan

364 - Movin on up

2005-12-10T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, but I've just moved to the Upper West Side. I'll be subletting here for a while. Not much new on the housing front. At least I won't be getting calls for the Big Enchilada anymore.

In other news, I'm gaining a nice bit of weight with all the good food in New York. It's time to go back on the "don't eat like a fatass" diet. It never fails. As soon as I stop eating like a fatass, I lose weight. What a concept.

Not much else to add right now. I used to get all riled up about things and have to rant and rave about them. I'm a little calmer now, or maybe I just don't care as much as I used to. Either way, it makes for much shorter blogs.

The party's over...
A CD's skipping
It's the same hook repeating.
Grows more grating with each passing second.

363 - The Big Enchilada

2005-10-29T00:45:00.000-05:00

So when I moved into my temporary housing, they gave me a new home phone number. The first few nights I was here, I would get calls and people would say "Sorry, I think I have the wrong number." After an inordinate amount of these calls, someone finally asked me "Is this The Big Enchilada?" Of course, it's not.

I assumed that this was just a mistake and perhaps The Big Enchilada just had a very similar phone number to mine. Well two days ago, the management installed a phone with an answering machine. I left it as the default greeting and got a few messages for The Big Enchilada. One woman had left her phone at the restaurant and was calling about getting it back, so clearly The Big Enchilada still exists. That same woman called back and I spoke to her a big, assuring her that this was not The Big Enchilada. I double checked the phone number with her and discovered that it wasn't just a misdial. A quick check of the internet revealed that the number listed for The Big Enchilada is exactly the same as my new home number here in my temporary housing.

Rather than keep answering the phone, I set my answering machine to inform people that this number isn't The Big Enchilada anymore. I politely state that they have the wrong number and I don't have the new number for The Big Enchilada. After that, the messages were all hang ups, which is understandable. Until tonight, that is.

Tonight I got home and there was a message blinking on the machine. I played it and all I heard was a disappointed male voice shouting, "Awwwww! I want a taco!" He sounded genuinely distraught, making it all the more sadly comical.

Well I am making it my goal this weekend to go eat at The Big Enchilada. I must see what the fuss is about. Hopefully, I can get a forwarding number to leave on my answering machine so no one will be as disappointed as the poor bastard who left a message earlier tonight.

And if you were thinking that I was trying to use the phrase "The Big Enchilada" as many times as I could, you would be right.

362 - In the city

2005-10-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

So for anyone who cares, I've moved to New York City. I've been here about a week and I've eaten pizza every night for dinner so far. Work has been good. I think I'm going to be pretty happy here.

I'm really behind the product we're making, so it gives me more incentive to work harder when I think what I'm doing is so cool.

That's it for now. I'm still looking for a permament place to live, so I'll have that to worry about in the coming weeks.

361 - Reset

2005-10-06T12:40:00.000-05:00

So the big change is really happening. I am moving to New York City at the end of the month. I got a new job with ESPN doing development for their mobile phone.

I've been quiet throughout the interview process because I didn't want to jinx it. Now it's official, so there you go.

Stay tuned for more info once I get moved. I just hit the life reset button.

360 - Katrina donations

2005-09-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

for spite?

That's right.

Check out the Saab Bumper Guy.

If you haven't already donated to the relief efforts and are planning to, might as well shame someone into putting things into perspective while you're at it.

358 - Pelota muerta

2005-08-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

Went to see Murderball. I think it should be required viewing for anyone who thinks they haven't seen a great movie this year. I thought Batman Begins was the best movie I'd seen this year, but Murderball is right up there for entirely different reasons.

Rather than just gush about the movie, I'll link you to Bill Simmons who sums it up quite nicely even if he does attribute one of the quotes in the movie to the wrong guy.

Go see Murderball. It doesn't matter if it's hard to find a theater that's playing it. It doesn't matter that it's a documentary. It doesn't even matter if you don't like sports. It's a great movie.

357 - 525600

2005-08-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I like the musicals and that I'm looking forward to the upcoming Rent movie.

Well just how do you measure a year? For me it's been a sequence of events and realizations. It definitely hasn't been measured in love. So many things can happen in a year, it's no wonder people compare life to a roller coaster.

I realize that I just did this theme with the death of Fat Randy, but I think it warrants mentioning again simply because my life has been so unpredictable in the past year.

It was a very hard realization for me to see that my life was shit. I was content to work a job I didn't like for those moments of escape. Work for the weekend, work for the vacation, work for not working. Did I really enjoy skateboarding, mountain biking, playing guitar, traveling, watching movies, or was I just trying to escape my mundane life? It was a little of both, but in the end, escaping was more important to me than the actual activity I was doing. I realized you can't spend your life trying to run away from it. If you're constantly running, eventually you'll get tired and life will catch up with you.

It caught up with me. Even harder than the realization is doing something about it. There are two choices, recognize and accept it or recognize and change it. I opted for change, and it's messed me up for the better part of a year trying to figure it all out. I haven't figured it out completely, but I feel like I'm on my way.

Another year, another 525600 minutes. Things will still be changing, and we'll see how I'm measuring next year.

356 - Angry Balled Fists

2005-08-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how familiar you all are with the hardcore scene. Hardcore was a sub-genre of rock that generally dealt with more emotionally charged subject matter as opposed to the more politically motivated songs of it's musical relative punk.

Punk pits became defined by the commonly known circle pit. Always moving in a counterclockwise direction, masses of people would run around in a circle and into each other, dancing to the beat of the music, dancing to their own beat, or just releasing some energy.

The hardcore pit evolved into something different. Perhaps owing to a slightly darker turn of the music, people in hardcore pits began the practice of slam dancing. Picking up where their metal brethren left off, hardcore slam dancers would stay stationary and flail all of their limbs in every direction as fast as possible with little to no regard for their surroundings. This changed the dynamic of the traditional circle pit. Instead of dancing as a group and unifying their energy, slam dancers isolated themselves with a buffer zone around them the diameter of their wingspan.

So what is the image above? I have no idea. Clearly the hardcore pit has evolved once more without my knowledge. I have been away from most shows for years now and as we know, trends move much more quickly than that. The swimming motion exhibited by the idiots... I mean, dancers is reminiscent of slam dancing, though it appears that their legs have been taken out of the equation. Perhaps the hardcore kids felt that their individual slam dancing had become too lonely and wanted to incorporate some of the togetherness of the old fashioned circle pit back into their dancing. Perhaps they are simulating some strange new sexual position that involves wheelbarrow style mounting and flailing.

You know what? Forget all that. These kids are freaking ridiculous and all it shows is the tremendous power that stupid trends have over mindless youth. Grow a brain you drones.

I hate them.

355 - Be happy or be alone?

2005-08-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

It seems like so much of what makes us happy is tied into finding companionship. People often equate finding their significant other to what makes them happy. Clearly meeting "the one" is going to improve happiness, but is that all there is to it?

Sometimes you hear it said, or it's glorified in romantic movies. "No matter what else is going on. No matter how bad things are. As long as I have him/her, I feel like everything will be ok." This sentiment is fairly common and many people believe it. Maybe it's because I haven't found "the one", or maybe I'm just that used to being alone, but I'm not sure that is entirely true.

Everyone is going to have varying degrees of tolerance for being alone. For those that hate loneliness, being in a relationship will be of the utmost importance to them. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. While I certainly don't enjoy being alone, being in a relationship isn't what dictates my happiness. Perhaps that's out of necessity, since I have been single the majority of my life. Even when I was in a good relationship, I found plenty of ways to be unhappy.

Of course this is all very easy for me to say now. With no romantic attachments and no overwhelming emotions clouding my thoughts, it's a very simple matter to declare that people put too much stock in companionship. Before I start chanting "over-rated", perhaps I shouldn't underestimate the power of love. How about this, if I ever do find a soul mate, you can ask me how I feel then.

Oh right, I'm trying to turn over a new optimistic leaf. Well then. Let's amend that last sentence to "When I find my soul mate, you can ask me how I feel then."

354 - Dead Randy

2005-07-27T12:57:00.000-05:00

Fat Randy died over the weekend. He was 3 years old. I got Fat Randy when I first moved to San Diego and his passing has marked the time.

After a rather undignified burial in the backyard, I paused to reflect on what has happened to me during Fat Randy's lifetime. I started a new job and thought it might be something I liked. I made money and bought things that I use frequently (mountain bike, guitar, backpack) and built a skateboard ramp that I use infrequently. I made a half baked attempt at a relationship that failed miserably. I made a complete attempt at a relationship that lasted almost a year before failing miserably. I started a Masters Degree and quit halfway through. I realized that I hate my job and my field of choice. I went through some of the darkest periods of my life.

Now I'm trying to change things. A change for the better would be preferable, but any change will do. I don't know the outlook on that yet. Was Fat Randy a metaphor for my life somehow? I doubt it. He was just a hamster. But he did represent how quickly time passes and for me, how quickly I need to get moving before I get stuck in a place I don't want to be.

353 - How many?

2005-07-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

I'd have to say 10 for me. I'm an angry man.

Read here to see what I'm talking about.

352 - Intellectual Snobbery

2005-07-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

Good old Joel Stein of the LA Times wrote a hate filled, holier than thou rant on Harry Potter fans over the weekend. It's nice to see one of the country's largest newspapers filled with the hatred and bile of a personal blog.

I noted yesterday that I hated stupid people. My working definition of a stupid person was one who used his child as a human shield in a gun fight. Mr. Stein's definition seems to be anyone who enjoys any activity at any time that isn't age appropriate. My guess is that Mr. Stein's definition of what is appropriate for the different ages is about as arbitrary as his rant is. I am now expanding my definition of stupidity to include bitter newspaper columnists who think they are better than everyone else. A quick check of old Joel's bio reveals he went to Stanford. Shocking! A Stanford grad with superiority complex. What has the world come to.

Just like my love of musicals, Lego, video games, and Pixar movies, I won't apologize for enjoying Harry Potter. I like these things because they're fun. I've read Joyce. Reading James Joyce is not fun. Just because people enjoy Harry Potter doesn't mean that they are ignoring everything else and it's ignorant to assume that. What's even more ignorant is to assume that "A culture that simplifies its entertainment down to fairy tales is doomed to simplify the world down to good and evil."

Let's analyze this nugget of wisdom from Stein the almighty. So because I read Harry Potter, I am suddenly unable to see shades of gray? How's this for a shade of gray? Joel Stein is an idiot no doubt, but I see his concern. He is afraid that more and more people are seeing things in terms of black and white, good and evil, with us or against us. This is a valid concern as we live in an increasingly complex world of human interaction and conflict. Oversimplifying things can lead to more conflict with less likelihood of resolution. Invalid is the simplistic and derisive claim that simplified entertainment somehow equates to simplified worldview.

If people are incapable of complex thought, thought-provoking entertainment isn't going to help. Likewise, if people are constantly thinking and exploring the shades of gray, some escapist fantasy entertainment isn't going to turn them into zombies. People are more than what they read or watch, and my entertainment choices don't define me. Before accusing everyone else of simplifying everything down to black and white, Joel Stein should re-read his own column and see who's simplifying things.

351 - Born to Die

2005-07-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

The shootout in LA has been in the national news recently. The family and community are angry not only that the toddler was killed in the gunfire, but that the homicidal shooter was killed as well.

If the facts are, as reported, that the man threatened to kill his wife, stepdaughter, and child each in succession before using the kid as a human shield while opening fire on police, then I find no fault with the police for shooting back. Once he started shooting at cops and an officer went down, he pretty much assured death upon himself and his human shield.

The strangest quote of the article is from the dead guy's brother who said, "They didn't have any patience, none at all, knowing that my niece was with him, that he was a father. They should have acted with more patience."

More patience? What would have been patient enough, waiting until another officer was hit? Perhaps waiting until someone died before returning fire.

Chatting with Juan, we came up with a couple of different courses of action for the police to deal with the protesting community.

1) Stop responding to all calls from that area. "Your community has protested our presence and tactics, therefore we will comply with your wishes and no longer respond to calls from your community."

2) Answer all 911 calls from the area with a pre-recorded message. "Please be patient, police are acting with patience and are determining the proper course of action."

It is a shame that an innocent child died in the gunfire, but despite my dislike of cops, I have to side with them in this case. The community protesting and calling the jackass with a gun a "loving father" is a bit much. If he was so loving, I don't think he would have taken shots at his step-daughter and used his toddler as a bulletproof vest.

I'm sick of stupid people.

350 - Wicked

2005-07-11T18:40:00.000-05:00

Went and saw Wicked the musical over the weekend. It was a great show. I can't really explain my thorough enjoyment of musicals. I'm not that musically inclined. I dabble in guitar and mediocre singing of punk songs, but that's about it. I'm not one who enjoys dressing up and going out. I'm not gay or female, and I wasn't on a date. I don't fit the profile of a musical theater goer, as far as I could tell from the crowd on hand.

That said, I did dress up and put away the punk music and watched some good pop musical action and it was excellent. The story is about the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. I wasn't quite sure how they were going to spin it, but it was quite well done. Except for two of the minor characters, who are written as complete tools, everything else was enjoyable. The songs weren't instantly memorable or catchy, but they did showcase the performers' voices, and they did inspire me to go searching for the soundtrack as soon as I got home. I highly recommend the show for anyone who likes musicals and even to people who don't.

349 - Talking in circles

2005-07-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

Reading today's Mark Morford article, I couldn't help thinking, "This is why I'm not a writer." It's humbling to have moments like this, where the intended message and the implied message hit like a brick followed by an anvil. Morford's columns had been growing grating with his verbose style and ridiculous multi-adjectived sentences often with points that were overly simplistic, but this one blew me away.

I've been trying really hard these past few months to articulate how I feel about myself and my search for meaning, passion, and happiness. I'm not sure how well I succeeded, but this guy decides to bust out a column and says it all better than I could have ever hoped to. In fact, his message is quite similar to the one Paulo Coelho writes about in The Alchemist which I am currently reading. On a side note, what other book says "I don't know what I'm doing with my life" better than The Alchemist. If you see someone reading it, you can be reasonably sure they're as lost as you are.

Both Morford and Coelho preach about abandoning society's expectations of us, about finding our destiny, our passion and reaching for it. The assumption of course, is that you have a passion to begin with. What I have is a bunch of hobbies and interests and nothing I consider a lifelong dream or goal. About the only thing I'm truly passionate about is eating. Last I checked, being a fatass for a living isn't feasible for most people. And can you really be passionate about a life sustaining action? It's like saying "I'm passionate about breathing" or "I'm passionate about sleeping".

I agree with both authors in the end, but don't know how closely my situation matches the one they describe. They try to give those with a dream to the courage to pursue it. I think I have the courage to pursue, but lack the dream.

348 - Biking is still honest

2005-07-02T00:44:00.000-05:00

I went on a long bike ride today. Below was the route I took. Not surprisingly the google map image and satellite image didn't line up exactly, but you get the idea.

Biking is a great way to get your mind off of life's troubles, right up until you stop, then they all come rushing back.

347 - New office, same old shit

2005-06-29T15:29:00.000-05:00

My work recently moved into a new building. The building was built specifically for us and it's pretty nice. I have my own office that I was initially supposed to share but the other guy didn't move in. It's pretty nice being a room with actual walls and a door instead of a cubicle. The best part about it is that I can play music and close the door and take naps and whatnot.

There is also a foosball table in the employee lounge. It's an expensive table that retails for around 1000 dollars normally. The thing is, no one ever plays it. It's a shame to have such a nice table sitting around with no one using it. I put my name and number on it in search of possible opponents, but that will likely have no takers.

I have yet to try the onsite cafeteria, but they do offer breakfast, which could be interesting and very very fat. There's a gym somewhere in one of the buildings, but I haven't found it.

Even with all of the little things designed to make work here more palatable, I still feel like crap and need to find a way out of here. Little things don't matter much when the one big thing still hangs over them.

346 - Let freedom ring

2005-06-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

A trifecta of links today. They are all CNN links because those articles tend to stay up longer and stay linked.

Do you like your house? That's good, because now it is legal for local government to throw some chump change at you, kick you out, and build a strip mall on their legally seized property. This won't affect 99% of the population, but that 1% who get nice little eviction notices are now legally fucked.

"The trafficking of drugs finances the work of terror, sustaining terrorists" - George "Not My President" Bush. The history of drug trafficking, terrorists, and the United States government is long and complicated. Prior to 9-11, the government didn't seem too concerned about the Taliban and their massive exports of opium that financed terrorist activities. Post-Afghanistan war, they don't seem all that concerned that the same industry is still the hub of that country's economy. But that's not important. What's important is a bunch of diseased and dying people in pain are smoking some bud that hippies in the Northwest and hicks in the South are growing. Because that's what's tearing the fabric of America apart.

Oh yeah, one more thing. You might not be able to burn the flag anymore. I know most people don't do a daily flag burning. It's just too expensive after a while. But should you ever want to desecrate the flag, there may be a constitutional amendment so you can't anymore. Because well... it upsets some people. In this fear-based, terrorist-state.. err terrorist-alert environment we can't be upsetting the average, god fearing, lowest common denominator, dumbass American. Up next is a constitutional ban on cursing because the word "fuck" upsets some people.

What's really upsetting that this stuff is just flying by and hardly anyone is taking notice, putting up a fight, or voicing their opinion. We long ago passed the point of reason in this country, and I'm basically waiting for the wheels to come flying off. Whether it will happen in my lifetime or not, I don't know, but there is no doubt that if we keep heading the direction that our greedy leaders are taking us, it will all come crashing down. For now there's only one thing to do about it. Go to a community about to be razed for a country club, smoke some weed, and light a flag on fire.

345 - Obvious

2005-06-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

I like it when CNN hops on an obvious story and prints it like it's news.

Far from earth shattering.

344 - Selling an image

2005-06-17T17:12:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine brought up the idea of starting our own line of clothing. Shirts and pants made in the USA with vertical integration and social change in mind. Similar to American Apparel and what they have done with the t-shirt industry. Unfortunately, American Apparel has been showing signs that they aren't the progressive company that they claim to be. A BusinessWeek article about the CEO of American Apparel focuses on the sexual harassment claims that have been filed against him, but also bring up more troubling information about the goals of the company and it's founder.

In addition to being an alleged a sexual harasser, the CEO is a self proclaimed "hustler", which immediately conjures images of hyper-competitive sleaziness. The whole marketing technique is to sell the sexiness of the clothing in addition to being an outlet for progressive minded consumers to buy higher priced and higher quality pro-labor clothing. In the end the goal of the founders seems a little less altruistic than advertised. The image of a local company that's good to it's workers sells well to the "underground network of urban hipsters", so that's what the company gives them. It comes across as false. The motivation feels more like "Let's do this because that's what the cool kids will buy into" instead of "Let's do this because we want to make a difference", and that's a shame.

The whole sexual harassment angle is so ridiculous it becomes funny. That the guy thought any of his behavior was appropriate is laughable. Even if he and his management felt that their work environment was open and sexy, it doesn't matter. What matters is how the subordinates felt. I'm not sure how the CEO is going to try to justify his behavior, but it's probably not going to work. Also hilarious is the way the author drops in the casual Asian fetish reference to the CEO's taste in women. Is there much more you need to know about someone once someone says 'that guy has an Asian fetish'? Do you really need to know much more before you can form an accurate picture of his personality?

It was both amusing and saddening to read this article. American Apparel is much closer to getting it right than many other companies, and yet they are still so far from it. Despite their pro-labor marketing, they still put profit first and oppose unionization of their work force. Then again they still pay relatively high salaries to workers and are curtailing the globalization that has become the standard for American corporations. Their shirts are still better quality than others out there and "sweatshop free" for the most part. Before progressive shoppers can anoint them as the paradigm of a good company though, they need to know about the seedier aspects of their business, the CEO, and the ultimate goals of the company.

343 - Class action

2005-06-16T18:06:00.000-05:00

Ah lawsuits. I love the smell of settlement in the morning. If you have an iPod and have had battery problems (or you have a 3rd generation iPod and want a new one), check out the results of this class action lawsuit against Apple. My iPod has been reacting strangely recently, so I'm going to take advantage of this and get a fresh one. For anyone with a 3rd generation iPod (the one with the 4 buttons above a non-click wheel), I'd highly recommend getting a new one through this settlement.

It seems like there are a bunch of these happening. I recently got forms for two other class actions that I didn't bother filling out because the settlement wasn't worth it. American Express mischarged international purchases by using old exchange rates, but filling out the forms for a dollar and change didn't seem worth it. MGM recently had misrepresented DVD packaging, that said their movies were widescreen when in fact they were cropped fullscreen transfers. Unfortunately, the settlement only returned seven dollars per DVD or a choice of other titles, but not a replacement of the existing DVD with a valid transfer. More useless paper shuffling for no real benefit.

While these settlements can be good, they are often under-publicized and fall short of adequately compensating the people for whatever it is they were suing for. On top of that companies get out of ever admitting wrongdoing and by default are immune from additional lawsuits by people in the class. In the end, I suppose it's better than nothing.

342 - I would trade it for the silence

2005-06-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

A meeting at work today lasted twice as long as it should have. Someone kept asking inane questions, and she seemed to have a lot of them. Many of the questions she already knew the answer to, but simply wanted confirmation.

I find that I'm more annoyed by this than I used to be. People who are always talking eventually run out of things to say, but that doesn't mean they'll stop talking. People looking for confirmation will continue repeating themselves until you give them the reaction they want. One of my coworkers is like this, and I know more about him than I ever really wanted to. He enjoys bragging repeatedly about various things in his life that he deems impressive, when none of them really are.

I'll have to get used to it, I suppose. Used to useless people with endless supplies of inane questions and inflated self worth. Unfortunately being used to them won't make them any less annoying.

He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic.
It was really quite hypnotic.

341 - Global Lying

2005-06-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

I'm reading State of Fear by Michael Crichton right now. So far it has been interesting, but I remember reading an interview with him where he says that the book takes the view that global warming is a made up phenomenon that the liberals are using to further their agenda and get more funding. As I have not finished the book yet, I can't say for sure if that is his viewpoint, but so far he has painted liberal activist groups in a negative light.

One thing he did write about was that the issue of global warming has been a war of disinformation between corporations who stand to lose a lot of money with more restrictions and environmental groups who want to stop them and get more funding in the process. That is a little easier to believe. There have been so many conflicting reports over the years about the veracity of global warming claims. New studies are published that say conflicting things, and we are left to determine how valid those claims are based on who is funding the study. It has become so garbled that people aren't sure who to believe anymore. Like any issue these days, the two sides have become so polarized that there is no middle ground left.

The latest entry into the fray was this shot taken by the New York Times. They claim that a white house official has been modifying global warming reports. Is it true? Who knows. The Times has lost a lot of credibility in recent years and is notoriously left wing. Then again, this administration has made lying and fact changing staples of their political aresenal. I'm inclined to believe the Times' claim, but it could go either way. So take it as another shot in the ongoing disinformation war.

340 - Reaching out

2005-06-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

for a scary kind of perfection.

As I was applying to more jobs last night, I was once again beset by conflicting feelings. What a surprise right? This time it was the satisfaction of getting something done in my quest for a new job, counterbalanced by the feeling of desperation each application brought with it. I guess that comes with the territory when applying for jobs that aren't exactly logical progressions from my current one.

Like any job searcher, I am faced with the quandary of not having enough experience for the jobs I am applying for. The chicken and egg scenario plays out for almost every job I look at. I'm trying to switch fields entirely, so it stands to reason that I don't have the experience needed to go into a new field, yet I can't get that experience without a new job. The added wrinkle is that I am well qualified for many jobs that I don't want. I put a resume up on CareerBuilder and within a day headhunters were all over me with offers for other defense industry jobs. I see the computer science jobs and am disgusted with the thought of continuing to do what I do now, except at a new company.

It is at these times that I wonder if I am reaching too far. Am I trying to find something that isn't there? Has my idea of what will make me happy gone so far off of the reality scale that I will never achieve it? Maybe it has. Perhaps I have ruined myself for... myself.

For some people the key to happiness is lowered expectations. For others it's in putting their best effort toward reaching a goal, attainable or not. My problem remains that I lie somewhere in between those groups. My goal is lofty, but I have lazed my way to mediocrity in reaching that goal. I refuse to lower my expectations because if I was going to do that, I would have done it already and become complacent in my steady, well paying baby killing job.

I'm not even sure that getting a new job in a new field will even help, but I do know that being stuck where I am now is definitely not helping. It is certain that I need to go somewhere and do something else, and I have been kicking my own lazy ass to get going. I hope it works.

339 - Onion truth

2005-06-06T18:54:00.000-05:00

There is an article on cnn.com today about dolphins using tools. If you'll remember, The Onion did a similar story back in 2000 (reprinted here, probably illegally) about dolphins evolving opposable thumbs and using tools. It's scary when satirical articles become true articles in five years time.

Another particularly depressing, yet eerily accurate article was in last week's issue regarding self-storage space. Read the article. No further explanation necessary.

I, for one, welcome our new dolphin masters.

338 - You are here

2005-06-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

I was reading through the Ladder Theory website again, just because it's good to refresh myself on it once in a while. While it is a bit simplistic, it's not inaccurate.

The theory was so accurate that I was kicking myself for not reading it earlier back in 2000, when it applied so aptly to my own situation. This post is taking on a feeling of deja-vu since I think I wrote something exactly like this a few years ago. In any case, if "cuddle bitch" doesn't describe what I was back then, nothing else will.

The one feeling that I never will forget was realizing I was on the wrong ladder. I had obviously figured out that the girl in question had a priority ladder, and I felt I knew where I stood on it. The whole time I was jockeying for position on the ladder, only to realize I had gotten to the very top of the wrong one. Of course, I didn't know that there were two ladders at the time, having not read the ladder theory yet.

I think the most impressive thing about the theory is that most girls don't realize they are applying it. Or if they do, they pretend they aren't and are just evil.

I'll leave with link to the Onion on the fickle nature of the friendzone.

337 - Random Thoughts

2005-06-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

Does it really take suffering in order to make people happy? If we were just happy all the time, would we appreciate it as much as if we had felt terrible and then happy? I don't have a good answer for this since I spend most of my time either feeling like complete crap or not as crappy. I do know that the "not as crappy" would feel worse if I didn't have the "complete crap" to compare it to. How this phenomenon affects normal people, I have no idea.

I don't like it when people say they "have no regrets". Everyone has regret. It's just a matter of whether they let it bother them or not. Instead of fearing poor decisions that will lead to regret, I'm going accept that sometimes I will make poor decisions and regretting them won't be the end of the world.

The season finale of Lost wasn't anything spectacular, but it was very good. I would have enjoyed it more had it not been hyped up to be a shocking show full of surprises and a cliffhanger ending. Like anything that is overhyped, it always disappoints. Alias, on the other hand, came out of nowhere and had a great shocking suprise/cliffhanger finale that was more effective because of it's lack of hype.

No matter what people say, running still sucks. I have been running more recently and can now cover less embarrassing distances before becoming winded and ready to stab myself in the eye rather than continue. It's great excercise and good for your health, but running sucks.

I recently read an article in Time about overparenting soccer moms who send their kids to specialty camps all summer in order to boost their college application fodder. The article is pay-content now, but the gist of it is that summers are more purpose driven for kids. Learn a skill. Hone a talent. Get ahead of the competition. The whole concept of improving and learning is a good thing. The fanatical drive of parents and their brainwashed kids to get a leg up on the other kids is not. The entire concept of parenting frightens me. That someone has complete control over every aspect of a child's development is inevitable, but what that person decides to do with that power and responsibility is scary. Abuse it or ignore it and it rarely turns out well.

And every promise that's made and bragged
Is meant if not kept
We do it all because we have to
Not because we know why

336 - Clichestionnaire

2005-05-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

This is one of those questionnaires that tells you everything and nothing about a person. I stole it from someone who I don't know, but I figure I should link her anyway.

--BODY--
1. Nervous Habits: Cracking my knuckles, back, neck, and any other joint I can think of.
2. Are you double jointed: Only on my left ring finger.
3. Can you roll your tongue: Yes.
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time: Not like The Rock can.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles: Yes, yes I can.
6. Can you cross your eyes: Probably, but it's not my party trick of choice.
7. Tattoos: Negs, though my AFI tattoo and Rebel Alliance tattoo ideas came close to happening. Unfortunately (or fortunately) they were done by others first, so I didn't do it.
8. Piercings: Nope.
9. Do you make your bed daily: No, I find it to be a waste of time.

-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first: Right, I guess.
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone: No.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry: $40.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: Nothing.
14. Favorite piece of clothing: My gray Dickies pants. I'm wearing them right now, even as they fall apart.

-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it: Twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam: Of course.
17. Favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies and fat.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet: None right now.
19. What's your favorite beverage: Diet Dew
20. What's your favorite restaurant: Yoshi Sushi
21. Do you cook: Once in a while. I do hot wings and chili pretty well.

-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth: When I wake up, and before I go to bed.
23. Hair drying method: Towel.
24. Have you ever colored / highlighted your hair: "He's Asian, about this tall, has eyes that turn into little crescents when he smiles." ... "He has bright yellow hair!"

--MANNERS --
25. Do you swear: All the time.
26. Do you ever spit: Yes. Especially in parking garages in Vegas when I'm sick. The phlegm crystallizes on the ceiling much like a stalactite.

--FAVORITE--
27. Animal: Penguins. Dancing penguins, skiing penguins, and skating penguins are even better.
28. Food: Clams in black bean sauce
29. Month: July, a good beach month.
30. Day: Sunday, the best of days to defy god.
31. Cartoon: Batman: The Animated Series
32. Shoe Brand: Lakai
33. Subject in school: Education
34. Color: Black
35. Sport: To play, tennis. To watch on TV, football. To watch in person, hockey and baseball.
36. Show: Lost
37. Thing to do in the spring: Travel. Ski one weekend and hike the next.
38. Thing to do in the summer: Whitewater raft, lounge at the beach.
39. Thing to do in the fall: Soak up the depression and realize that life only gets worse, never better.
40. Thing to do in the winter: Meet a girl, fall in love, get dumped.

-- IN AND AROUND -
41. In the CD player: Against Me!
42. Person you talk most on the phone with: My sister.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors: Yes, usually to check out the size of my spare tire.
45. What color is your bedroom: White walls, with a multicolored floor of clean and dirty clothes.
47. Window seat or aisle: Doesn't matter.

--LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position: Face down in the pillow.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket: It's there, but I don't use it.
50. Do you snore: Not that I know of.
51. Do you sleepwalk: I have once.
52. Do you talk in your sleep: No, I only get threatened by other people who talk in their sleep.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Evil eye the bear is usually somewhere near.
54. How about with the light on: Nope.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on: No, it's a distraction.
56. Last interesting person you met: My anarcho-capitalist coworker and his oxymoronic beliefs.

335 - Life of Brian

2005-05-24T14:42:00.000-05:00

My good friend Brian Nguyen is starting up his website again. Right now it's only got a ridiculously upbeat song to download, but he assures me it will be updated with more things in the coming weeks.

Go check out his brightly colored site. http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~bhnguyen/

334 - Life's a beach

2005-05-23T14:38:00.000-05:00

I went to the beach by myself yesterday. It was a perfect day for sitting around in the sun reading a book, which is exactly what I did. A couple things happened to me while I was there that caused conflicting feelings in me.

On the way down to this particular beach, you have to hike down a fairly steep path. Falling in some parts would mean a pretty serious tumble across some very hard pointy objects. I was wearing my sandals for the hike, something I usually do. The problem was that these sandals are the exact same ones I've been wearing around for years and have practically smooth bottoms. Of course, this made the hike down a little more interesting and I actually slipped a couple times and saved myself by landing on my rather large ass and grabbing onto something to steady myself. While they weren't exactly near death experiences, they still should have been scary. Instead I found myself to be quite calm, even sorry that I wasn't plunging down to disaster, disappointed that I wasn't in mortal peril.

After walking past the creepy old nude guys (the nude beach is at the foot of the trail, and the non-nude beach requires walking further down, go figure), I settled in a spot and read for a while. I decided to go for a swim and found the rip current to be quite a bit stronger than normal. I ended up not swimming as long as I normally would since swimming against a swirling current is quite tiring, and staying out longer only increases the likelihood of drowning.

So when I was walking, I was sorry that I wasn't in more danger. Yet when I was swimming, I chose the safer option rather than put myself in danger. I didn't really know which one I wanted. I was thinking to myself "Just pick one! Figure out what you want to do and do it." But it seems that at the beach, as in my life, I am as indecisive as ever.

333 - Race, Injustice, and the American Way

2005-05-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

One of the things that seems to rear its ugly head every so often is the issue of race and discrimination. Despite the obvious progress that has been made since the Civil Rights movement decades ago, we are not a colorbind society and probably won't be anytime in the near future. At least not until we're all the same color. Like the comedian Russell Peters said, in a few hundred years we'll all be beige. I've noticed a few things in the past couple weeks that piqued my interest.

Steve Nash won the NBA's Most Valuable Player award. Steve Nash is white. The majority of the players in the NBA are black. This prompted some sportswriters to speculate that Nash's winning of the award (voted on by sportswriters) was racially motivated, perhaps through predominantly white voters consciously or subconsciously favoring someone who has the same skin colors as them. Whether or not he won the award based on his race isn't as interesting as the fact that race was brought up in the first place. Despite our seemingly politically correct, more inclusive society, racial biases are thought about if not acted out right below the surface. What we as a society can't seem to get away from is letting obvious visible physical differences color our perceptions about people's less visible personality and traits.

I was guilty of it myself over the weekend. I went to Pacific Beach for a bit during the PB Street Party. There were a ton of people walking around, almost all of them white. I couldn't help but notice that I was one of the only non-white people amidst a sea of white people. It's a fairly common occurrence for me to be the only minority in a given setting, what was startling was that I was a little uncomfortable. I usually don't really care about the racial makeup of the people around me, but for some reason I felt distinctly out of place. Something about the drunk white twentysomethings around me gave off a distinct frat-boy vibe, and I made the incorrect assumption that all of the people were drunk frat meatheads, when in fact, probably not all of them were.

Another topic of conversation that came up today was interracial couples. They are very common, but why is it that some pairings are much more common than others? One discrepancy I have mentioned before is the high number of white guy/asian girl couples compared to the low number of asian guy/white girl couples. Another common one is black guy/white girl compared to the uncommon white guy/black girl. Does the societal perception of each race's gender factor into each individuals decision? It would seem like it does. If race did not factor into the pursuit of a relationship, we would expect to see even numbers of mixed race couples. Ethnic and cultural gender barriers could also affect the numbers, but though ethnicity does not equate to race, they are related.

Despite our best efforts as a society to put racial bias behind us, complications caused by racial differences confront us every day. Hopefully, enough of those interracial couples will get together and we won't have to worry about it anymore. We'll just have to wait a few hundred years.

332 - Death or something like it

2005-05-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

So my pledge to stay off of the topic of Life has also led to a significant decrease in my writing production. The truth is, I don't have much else on my mind. I may go back and beat the depressing topics to death again, but time will tell. Until then, I will remain in a zombie-like state of existence.

Which reminds me, if you haven't seen Shaun of the Dead, I highly recommend you check it out. It's an entertaining little flick.

330 - More geek

2005-05-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This trailer just came out and it looks great. I can't remember the last time a series of movies just got progressively better instead of worse. It looks like Harry Potter is defying the odds and getting better and better. The new book comes out this summer and the new movie comes out this winter, you can't ask for much more Harry geekiness.

329 - Assassin

2005-05-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

You are an assassin.
That means you are a professional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. At least, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to
not get to noticed, and dress in black or other
discrete colours. You don't being in the
spotlight and wish people would just leave you
alone. But once you do get close to someone you
have a hard time letting go and get real down
if you loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

328 - Cinco de Mustache

2005-05-05T17:46:00.000-05:00

It is a well known fact that most Asians, and in particular me, are not the hairiest people in the world. This is highly convenient when it comes to the male (and sometimes female) problem of facial hair maintenance.

Over the weekend I walked by a woman who was sitting down. I did a double take not because she was an average looking middle aged woman, but because she was an average looking middle aged woman with a large thick mustache. My initial reaction was confusion. Why hadn't she waxed/shaved/flobeed that thing to a less noticeable size? She had to know that it was there. No way could you miss that in the mirror. What options did she have? Waxing probably hurts like hell. Shaving just means more noticeable stubble. I guess using a flobee just means having an evenly trimmed mustache. My secondary reaction was awe. It was truly an impressive sight. How had she managed to grow a mustache thicker than that of some men? I couldn't grow a mustache that thick if I didn't shave for a year.

Not that I was jealous. Shaving once a week is a pain in the ass to me, so maintaining a mustache as impressive as hers is probably a lot more work. Since growing out a mustache for me means not shaving for three or four months, and since the result would leave me looking very much like a catfish, I have no desire to do so. I'll stick with my weekly shaving and admire the mustaches of other men and women from afar.

327 - In praise of geeky entertainment

2005-05-04T13:59:00.000-05:00

Forgive me for talking about the anesthetic that is mass media entertainment for a while. TV and movies can be very good things, but like any good thing, too much can be harmful. MTV is still the root of all evil, but there actually is a surprising amount of quality entertainment out there. Here are some of the things I enjoy, and am looking forward to.

Lost. Pretty much my favorite show on TV. I've written about it previously here, and twenty episodes in, I am still enjoying it immensely. Tonight begins the final run of new episodes that lead into the season finale. No doubt there will be more messed up backstories with some sort of betrayal, murder, or tragedy in it and random inexplicable island chaos. After all of the misleading previews that show quick cuts from different scenes to make you think Locke gets shot, I'll be happy to see what really happens.

Scrubs . Best depressing comedy ever. I recently was trying to figure out which episode was the most depressing one. I decided that it was the one where J.D. decides to tell Elliot how he feels about her after her boyfriend leaves, brings flowers to a crying Elliot, discovers that she is crying out of joy because her boyfriend decided to stay an extra night, and finally wedges his flowers into the huge bouquet of long stemmed roses that Elliot's boyfriend brought before making a hasty retreat. Funny and sad, all at the same time. I suppose that one resonates with me because a very similar thing happened to me. Another story for another time.

Deadliest Catch. Crab fisherman in Alaska? Sounds odd, but the show is very engaging. It's fascinating how crab fishing can be simultaneously high tech and low tech. Seeing the anticipation of the crew as the pots are reeled in and knowing that one slip overboard is almost guaranteed death makes for compelling TV.

Alias. The season started off slow, but is kicking it into gear now. What's up with Arvin Clone? Marvin Sloane? How many sisters did Irina have? And if this new one has been tracking Syd for so long, what's the deal with making contact now? Somehow Rambaldi plays into all of this, he always does.

Batman Begins. Seemingly dark as hell adaptation of Batman by the guy who did Memento and Insomnia. I'm very excited about this one. The initial trailers looked great, but this latest one is what won me over. I noticed Batman fighting some masked guys for about two seconds in the trailer and I slowed it down. Upon closer inspection, they appear to be ninjas. Batman fighting ninjas? That's all I needed to see. I'm in.

Star Wars Episode III. Despite my best efforts, I am getting excited about this movie. The last two have been ok, but not spectacular. They probably don't deserve as much fanboy backlash as they have gotten, but they clearly aren't on par with the original trilogy. The last episode looks promising though. If it really is as good as the initial reviews say it is, I will be happy.

King Kong. This one is pretty far off, but I have been watching the excellent production diaries that Peter Jackson has been putting out. It's clear that his Lord of the Rings movie making process is adaptable to other movies as well. This movie should be visually spectacular if nothing else.

326 - Crusades

2005-04-29T12:15:00.000-05:00

The Crusades were expeditions undertaken, in fulfilment of a solemn vow, to deliver the Holy Places from Mohammedan tyranny.

You have to love the Catholic Encyclopedia.

Anytime an article uses the following phrases in a completely serious context, it is not helping it's own cause.

Mohammedan tyranny

...wars undertaken in pursuance of a vow, and directed against infidels

the extermination of the Albigensian heresy was due to a crusade

abused the word by applying it to all wars of a religious character

idea of the crusade corresponds to a political conception

All crusades were announced by preaching

was thenceforth considered a soldier of the Church

Crusaders were also granted indulgences and temporal privileges, such as exemption from civil jurisdiction

The comedy speaks for itself.

325 - Tricycles have nothing on me

2005-04-28T18:34:00.000-05:00

I am the best third wheel ever. Really. I'm not kidding. Ok fine, maybe I'm not the best ever, but I am really good. If there is ever a couple that is getting tired of their routine, I can step right in and create an interesting diversion. I can carry on a good conversation on a variety of topics. Relationships and personal gossip for the girls. Sports, music, and expensive hobbies for the guys. If there is inter-couple friction, I can lighten the mood and create a distraction. If the occasion calls for it, I can tell a tale of woe that reminds them how good they have it. Remind them that it could be worse, they could be me.

So how did I get to be a third wheel specialist?

Practice. A lot of practice.

When just about every one of your friend's is in a relationship, it becomes increasingly difficult to avoid situations in which you are the "single friend", the odd man out. Since I am unwilling to give up hanging out with my friends just because I am the odd man out, I just roll with it. Third wheel, fifth wheel, 2n+1 wheel. I've done them all. There are only a few simple rules to follow and you can actually enhance the couple's couplyness with your presence.

1. Never take sides. Agreeing or disagreeing on individual points in a discussion is always acceptable as long as you keep it evenly distributed. Usually both parties in a couple are crazy enough that telling the truth with your opinions will produce an even distribution in who is agreed with. Consistently taking one side in a discussion or even worse, and argument, means disaster.

2. Be active, be interesting. Couples see each other all the time. Presumably, you were invited along because they wanted to hang out with you, so make the most of it. Just sitting there and watching the couple interact is boring and uncomfortable. You've only got a limited time with them and you are the focal point during that short time. Which brings us to...

3. Keep it short. Think of good third wheeling as a sprint. Spend more energy up front, keep it short, and pull out early. Ok maybe think of it as bad sex. Either way, it is best to leave before you overstay your welcome. The couple has had enough of you and probably wants some time to themselves, and you should be more than happy to oblige.

By following these rules, I have successfully balanced the ever dangerous world of third wheeling. Sometimes, I have inadvertently broken my own rules and paid the price with awkward silences and embarrassing moments. We all learn from our mistakes though, and the lesson as it always is with relationships: I need listen to my own advice.

324 - Jingoistic Poster 4

2005-04-25T02:08:00.000-05:00

323 - Tent State University

2005-04-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

A protest was staged at the campus of the University of California at Santa Cruz over fee increases and funding decisions.

The organizers' website has links to both independent and mainstream media accounts.

What follows are video captures from the following video shot during the arrrests:
Right click and save as...

Forced bending of the wrist.

Either a nerve pinch for pain, or a move to cut off circulation.

Sleeper hold. He passed out seconds after this.

Forced bending of the thumb the wrong way.

Double ear pinch.

Ear hold.

Ear twist.

322 - it's me jesus, lol

2005-04-18T03:06:00.000-05:00

321 - Mexican Calzone

2005-04-17T14:31:00.000-05:00

I had one from here and it was delicious.

320 - Jingoistic Poster 3

2005-04-16T13:19:00.000-05:00

319 - W is Laughing

2005-04-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

UPDATE 4/16/05:

So I have gotten a few responses to this entry, and they seemed to be missing the point I was trying to get across. After re-reading what I wrote below, I realized that they weren't missing the point. I was failing to get it across. It would be irresponsible and lazy to blame the reader when it is the writer's job to accurately convey his point.

The whole reason I brought this particular entry back after a month was to say that it was probably complete shit. I wrote it at the time to try and provoke a strong reaction, even I wasn't completely behind my argument. This is exactly what Skip Bayless does on espn.com. When I re-published the top portion, I simply wanted everyone to see what I had written a month ago. The last section, written yesterday, was meant to say that the month old entry was probably wrong, but even if it was correct, that it was no reason to follow it blindly. I didn't make this point clear enough, and for that I apologize.

I'm leaving the original entry untouched below so you can see what a mediocre writer I am. I'm going to leave the political commentary alone for a while. It seems I am not equipped to write precisely enough to say what I mean.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I originally wrote this for Truth Week a while ago. I wasn't sure where I was going with it at the time, but I think it's finally ready to see the light of day.

***

We're all Republicans in the end. Preposterous you say? On the outside, such a claim is ridiculous. How could normal upstanding people possibly be Bible thumping, minority hating, war mongering, money grubbing, self absorbing Republicans deep inside? Well not all people have to display the outward signs of Republican extremes. We don't even have to vote Republican, but in the end we all succumb to our human nature. We do what is best for ourselves, not what is best for other people. We are selfish creatures who want the best for ourselves and our children.

At first it starts with money. Every paycheck anyone receives is missing a large percentage that goes directly to the government. Damn the government for taking our hard earned money right? Well those big government Democrats with their social welfare programs are just creating more taxes. Sometime between the ages of 25-40, a good chunk of people start voting Republican for financial reasons. They may disagree with lots of the policies, but its their money they're trying to save. Once they hit that top tax bracket, it's time to abandon the moral principles and start hoarding the cash.

The next step is housing. Like it or not, we are all classist if not a little bit racist. No one wants to live in a poor neighborhood. Crime is higher, schools are poorer, and houses are worse. Everyone wants a nice house in the suburbs. That's the American dream isn't it? We want what's best for our kids, so we move to an area with a good (rich) school district. We avoid the areas with the black, brown, and yellow people. Can't have that property value go down can we? Instead of taking ownership of our schools, we send our kids to private schools. Instead of improving our communities, we move away from them so all the rich people can have their own area and all the poor people can have theirs. We help ourselves and no one else, that's the Republican way.

So after we've surrounded ourselves with other people intent on living the American Dream, we slowly become fat, comfortable, selfish Republicans. Of course, some people were like that to begin with. I also lied when I said everyone becomes Republican, because many try to but do not succeed. People whose best interests go with voting Democrat, minorities and the poor, tend to do so (though not always because religion often plays a role their decision, and organized religion is in no one's best interest). Even if we don't vote Republican, we've been taught from a young age to strive for that lifestyle, an American Dream that segregates and creates inequality. Coupled with our selfish nature, we are all Republicans at heart.

Depressing isn't it? Well what can be done differently? I don't know. Taking ownership of your child's education? Good luck on the one person PTA you'll be a part of. Improving your community? Any improvement you make will be a marginal improvement at best. At worst, it could snowball into gentrification. One day you are cleaning trash in front of your apartment, the next day a bunch of yuppies displace all the other tenants in your building and turn the neighborhood into a Starbucks filled hipster urban utopia.

***

There are no easy answers. There never are.

When I wrote that over a month ago, I was in an extremely cynical mood, even more than usual. I was planning on including it in Truth Week because in my pessimistic mind at the time, I was sure it was the truth. That may be a little dark now, but there is always the possibility that what I said turns out to be correct.

At the time, I was ready to give up, to accept the inevitability of turning into a typical fat American; of seeking out the money hoarding, land owning, American Dream. If it is inherent in our society that helping ourselves often means hurting others, it is a sad state of affairs indeed. If we are inevitably selfish and destructive creatures, I don't want to believe it. I'm not willing to concede that quickly.

One day I may look foolish for ever resisting all of what society has taught me since birth. One day people who pursued the American Dream from a young age may look down at me, laughing while I struggle to survive. One day I may suffer greatly for my foolish decision now. One day I may find that I should have accepted the American Dream all along. I'm willing to accept all of that. To me all of those things are better than looking back one day and regretting that I sold out without a fight.

"He had the wrong dreams. All, all wrong."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

318 - Jingoistic Poster 2

2005-04-14T02:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently, HUNS KILL WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

317 - Cuz baby, I'm an anarchist

2005-04-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

You're a spineless liberal

This is an interesting article in Rolling Stone, about how we're all doomed. In it, author James Howard Kunstler says that we are passing our oil production peak and everything from here on out is going to be disaster. While I agree with most of the article, I disagree with the tone. Kunstler notes in a morose way that it will be impossible to maintain our current way of life without the benefit of cheap fossil fuels to support it. Is that really so bad?

So we'll have to form small communities that have to cooperate and produce our own food and other goods. Big cities will break apart. Large scale corporate capitalism will cease to exist. Wasteful transportation methods will have to be eliminated. So we're going to have our own modern Dark Age. I don't see a problem.

The main issue with current political thinkers is that they see the current system as something worth preserving. Liberals might strive to bridge the gap between rich and poor, while conservatives want to broaden it, but they both cannot envision a world without rich and poor, without money as a measurement of worth. An economic disaster that shatters our current (American) way of life is seen as something undesirable. While there may be strife and conflict as the system falls apart, that could just be the price to be paid for a new start. Kunstler should not assume that we will try to rebuild the system as before, going through another feudal system of land ownership and serfs. Having such a "Long Emergency" would provide a fantastic opportunity learn from past mistakes and to create a society not dependent on economic competition and greed. One without land ownership and money. One that while not devoid of conflict has decidedly less of it. An anarchist society where no one has power or rule over anyone else, and no one is ruled by money.

Sound too good to be true? Too idealistic? Impossibly utopian? It may very well be. But if the end is coming as Kunstler describes it, we will have the ability to reshape society in any way we see fit. Any number of socio-economic theories could be put into practice. Re-establishing a capitalist system, falling prey to a fascist ruler, or trying to form a new socialist society are all possible. Anarchy would be also be a real possibility, and that shouldn't automatically be perceived as a bad thing.

316 - Dérailleur

2005-04-12T16:51:00.000-05:00

You had hopes and dreams of a day where
everything everything everything
would come together.

It's been a hard road trying to pull myself together. Trying to get past this endless pessimism, misery and depression has been difficult to say the least. My goal has been to try to be happy, or at the very least not unhappy. I'm not sure if that's a realistic goal or not but hey, 'aim high' right? I was doing ok on the "not unhappy" part for the better part of a week. I started thinking more positively and hating myself less. It's really quite good, being not unhappy.

I guess I didn't see how truly tenuous my position was. Sometime in between the call from my ex-girlfriend that I didn't pick up and the call from my mom which I did pick up, the progress I had made went down the tubes. My emotional freight train came off the tracks surprisingly fast and hit me hard. I know this is going to be a long and perhaps ultimately futile process, but the pace has been agonizingly slow. I was so encouraged by my incremental progress as recently as last night that it makes it even harder now, falling back into my old self loathing habits.

Perhaps the worst part about this whole business is that I can write about it so lucidly. My logical mind knows exactly what I have to do to feel better. I can identify what my problems are and how to fix them, but my emotional mind won't let any of that happen. I've written in the past about how this is an internal struggle, a mental fistfight. Well the brawl continues...

Am I just fucked up
because I can't remember
the last time any of this made sense
the last time I could stand up to myself.

315 - Random Links

2005-04-11T15:34:00.000-05:00

- I actually saw something exactly like this happen in La Jolla a couple of years ago. One of the funniest things I had seen. Of course that was also the same weekend one of my friends may or may not have been looking to hook up with me and after I turned down any advances got into an argument and never talked to her again. Good times. On a side note, if you want to tell a friend you want to be more than friends, don't go about it by not saying how you feel and then acting hurt and rejected when the friend doesn't respond. Strong hints and innuendo aren't going to get it done, and acting crazy and combative when things don't go your way doesn't help your credibility.

- Some South African raised a baby hippo and it's now a tame pet. Speaks for itself actually. No personal anecdote for this one.

- More evidence that Wal-Mart is evil. Not shocking news, but it's good to remind myself once in a while. I've noticed that as you get older it becomes more and more necessary to seperate yourself from the anger that stems from injustice and greed in the world. While it is good to be fueled by it, it's no good to be consumed by it. Otherwise you just end up questioning the point of it all and wishing for a quick death for the world.

- Few things I enjoy more than people with a false sense of entitlement getting cut down. The grasping to be famous reality show contestant needs to be taken down a notch whenever possible.

- Tiger Woods won the Masters again. There were some riveting couch napping moments yesterday. Napping while watching golf is one of the best things ever.

314 - Jingoistic Poster 1

2005-04-11T03:29:00.000-05:00

I've decided to remove the word "BLOG" from my naming convention. It's redundant. That said...

Smack 'em down!

BLOG 313 - F.U. Haiku

2005-04-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes depression
Always life always wishing
For the end to come

Sing songs with guitar
My vocal chords ache with pain
There is no talent

Eat to ease the pain
Overindulge overweight
Slow the black heart down

Appeal to low art
Simple forms of expression
Too easy to Life

BLOG 312 - Ask no questions

2005-04-07T17:31:00.000-05:00

We do it all because we have to not because we know why.

Questioning our own motivations is nothing but trouble. It leads to self doubt, anger and depression. It's much easier to float on by, blissfully ignorant of what is going on. That's why it is so annoying when a child keeps asking "Why?". It forces people to think about themselves and their motivations, and often the answer isn't good enough.

CHILD
Why do you have to work?

BLISSFULLY IGNORANT CORPORATE DRONE
Because I need money.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Because I have to pay rent and buy food.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Because if I don't, I won't have a place to live or sleep.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Because my landlord will kick me out and no one will give me food without paying them. Other people need money too.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Because in a society based on competition and greed, capitalism will emerge as the dominant socioeconomic principle. People will put selfish gain above all else and the primary indicator of success in such a society will be money. Everyone demands money for goods and services, and everyone always wants more money. This leads to entire segments of society being devoted to the sole cause of making more money regardless of any harm done to others. The gap between rich and poor becomes overtly apparent, and the poor want to be rich, the rich want to stay rich. In the end, someone has to be poor and it's not going to be me. I'm need to make money to stay ahead.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Jesus, that's depressing. What am I even doing here? Is my motivation really just to not be poor? That seems like a shitty goal, but that's what society dictates. How do I change society though? People have been raised for generations under this system. Greed, competition, selfishness, money, they've all been beaten into our head as 'values' since birth. There's not a damn thing we can do. Dreaming of an ideal society will get me nowhere, all it does is make me more angry and confused about my own life. Well if I can't change society for the better, there are only two options. Embrace the greed and join in trying to make as much money as possible or try to do as little harm as possible while still surviving. Choose the path of least resistance and live a comfortable and convenient life, or choose the rocky path of idealism and live a less comfortable and more difficult life.

CHILD
Why?

B.I.C.D
Fuck off kid.

BLOG 311 - Random Thoughts

2005-04-05T13:05:00.000-05:00

- Saw Sin City over the weekend. It was good, but I don't recommend it to anyone who isn't a fan of comic books, since it is literally a moving comic book. It would have been more enjoyable if the jackass sitting behind me wasn't laughing loudly at inappropriate points in the movie.

- I washed and waxed my car on Sunday. Monday morning it rained just enough to get spots all over it before the sun came out and dried them in place. Then a seagull crapped on it. It's been that kind of year.

- Today is soup day. I have made a weekly ritual of going to Souplantation by myself for lunch on Tuesdays. I like the food, and it's healthy and reasonably priced. It might seem weird but it's something I look forward to.

- Daylight savings has messed with biological alarm clock. Since conventional alarm clocks do nothing to wake me up, I have been sleeping with the curtains open so the sun will wake me up. This had been working pretty well until the time change. Unfortunately the sun rises later now and thus I wake up later.

- I'm going to be taking pictures of the jingoistic posters that are up in the hallway. I will begin posting them here later this week. They are reprints of the classic recruitment posters from WWII.

- I'll end with a poem I came up with this morning after I got to work.
I fart slowly...
It squeaks

BLOG 310 - A road that never ends

2005-04-03T05:06:00.000-05:00

might drive into something that looks like a sunset
and it lasts forever
and I never look back.

BLOG 309 - I feel so Lost

2005-04-02T15:10:00.000-05:00

You are Locke. A mystery within a mystery. You're
a fountain of backgammon trivia and an expert
with knives. You might like pina coladas and
definitely like getting caught in the rain.
You prefer keeping to yourself mostly, but
you'll tell your secrets to the right person.
Are you evil? Your accompanying soundtrack
sure is sinister.

Which Lost Character Are You?
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BLOG 308 - Random Thoughts

2005-04-01T14:17:00.000-05:00

- It's seal hunting season. Nothing like clubbing 2 week old animals with no means of defending themselves for money. And I thought my job was destructive. Hey, they're just making a living right? Wearing fur is just nasty.

- I'm pretty sick of Terri Shiavo's family. They say "intensive therapy" would have made her better. It's been fifteen years, she isn't going to magically make a full recovery. Let it go.

- I hate April Fool's Day. It ranks right up there with Valentine's Day as one of my least favorite days of the year. Most pranks are either harmful or unimaginitive, and they are definitely not funny. People need to stop trying so hard, it's annoying.

- Despite their offensive and annoying advertising, I can't stay away from McDonald's breakfast. I have no idea why I prefer it to all other fast food breakfasts. It's like crack. I know it's bad for me and yet I keep going back.

BLOG 307 - Are you thinking?

2005-03-31T15:13:00.000-05:00

Well stop. Thinking too much just causes suffering. If yesterday's post is any example, being alone with my thoughts just leads me to dark depressing places. It started with a song lyric that I liked. Then I thought about what it meant to me. Then I thought some more. By the end I was ready to take a header off a bridge. Thinking too much is a dangerous thing.

With that in mind, it would be good to review ways to stop thinking, or at the very least, think about something else that isn't related to depressing stuff.

1. Hit yourself in the face with a big rubber ball. It's even better if you can have a friend do it. If you've seen I <3 Huckabees, this will make sense.

2. Watch the idiot box. There are a lots of good shows on TV. Most don't require any thought at all. The ones that do, like my personal favorite Lost, only make you think about arcane plot points or the fictional drama of the characters. Full mind shut off can be achieved with reality television or anything on MTV.

3. Play an instrument. I happen to use guitar for this one. It focuses your mind on trying to play and thus you don't have to think about anything else. To up the difficulty, I try to play and sing (poorly) at the same time. It's a lot like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time, you just don't look as silly doing it. If you do look sillier playing an instrument, you must be doing something wrong... or you're playing a tuba

4. Nap. Ah sleep, the mother of all avoidance activities. Now sometimes it may be hard to get to sleep because your mind is racing, but once you do... it is sweet bliss. It's especially good if you have a nice dream during your nap, but it is not required. Nightmares also can occur, but hey, shit happens. All there is to do is shake it off and try again.

5. Play a video game. Good old fast twitch entertainment requires so much audio and visual input that your mind will be bombarded with stimuli. Who has time to think about their meaningless existence when they are in the middle of a pixelated killing spree?

Those are the main ones I use. Things like working out, running, browsing the web, and blogging tend to leave me even more alone with my thoughts. The task has to be engaging enough to occupy your mind, but mundane enough not to make you think about yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do the ultimate mind numbing task... work.

BLOG 306 - Sugar coat the past

2005-03-30T14:25:00.000-05:00

Where everything ugly in this world is sadly beautiful in our desperate memories

Ever notice that when you look back on the past you tend to see things differently? This seems to always happen to me. I put on the nostalgia goggles and start to color my memories so that they seem better than they were.

Looking back at my years in college, I think fondly on the time I spent with my friends. The times we hopped the fence into the greek theater at night just to hang out seem like so much fun now. The fact that we did it to be alone and soak up our mutual depression in the darkness is conveniently omitted from that memory. All of the romantic struggles and academic failures of the time have been rewritten and reworked into my mind.

In college I looked back on high school, and had fond memories of life in high school, even if the school part of it actually sucked. In high school, I looked back on elementary and junior high. The conclusions were always the same, "it was better back then".

Why do I do this? Why alter the past in my head? Maybe I do it to give myself hope for the future. If I convince myself that I was happy at one point in the past, then I have a goal to shoot for, to be happy in the future. Then I know that it's possible. Then again, maybe I do it to abandon all hope for the future. If I convince myself that I am always getting unhappier as time goes on, then I will just accept that things will get worse as I get older. Either way, I am using my tainted memories to manipulate my own emotions and expectations.

Shouldn't my memories be accurate now that I've come to this realization? Well, now I know that I have never really been all that happy. The last I recall being happy was 5th grade. Every significant chunk of my life since then has been depressing in some way. Looking back on the past now without sugar coating it, I realize nothing has gotten any better since I was twelve years old.

Now I'm not sure which is worse, the truth or the lie.

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

BLOG 305 - Random Links

2005-03-28T14:26:00.000-05:00

- I found this article last week but didn't have time to comment on it. The whole "rich people getting divorced" thing didn't seem all that interesting until I got to the bottom of the article. "The couple met in 1978 when Howard Sosin was an assistant professor at Columbia University. At the time, she was married to another man and working in retail." She left her husband to be with him and he's surprised that she's been cheating on him? It's ok, the millions of dollars will ease the pain.

- For those of you who don't read the Sports Guy, here is a link to the blog of Phoenix Sun's backup Paul Shirley. He's the last man on the roster, so he basically never plays. What he does have time to do is write about life in the NBA, his team and everything else. It's good writing and a fun read regardless of your following of professional basketball.

- The Terri Schiavo media circus is out of hand. The woman is brain dead from heart failure due to an eating disorder. Now that's a high quality life. The best part is the House Republicans getting all up in arms over it. Whenever a political party suddenly unifies behind a cause for seemingly no reason, there is a hidden agenda. This one? Probably to get the judges they don't like off the bench. Or maybe to somehow link it to abortion. Definitely to further some sort of evangelical "Let's all kiss God's ass" agenda.

The best part was House Majority leader Tom DeLay calling the situation "an act of medical terrorism." Terrorism? Really? The next time DeLay wants to rile up the general public, he should find a new card to play. The so-called patriots have played the baseless terrorism claims out. It's worn out. All he did with that comment was make himself look like even more of an ass. A tough feat to accomplish, but he pulled it off well.

Update on Mr. DeLay: He agreed with his family to let his father die after an accident left him unable to survive without the aide of machines. It's good to know that DeLay just called himself a terrorist.

BLOG 304 - More violence and profanity

2005-03-26T04:33:00.000-05:00

Because the MPAA says that's ok!

My blog is rated...

What rating is your journal?
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BLOG 303 - Super Monkey Good Samaritan

2005-03-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

It's happy Friday. I will now take a break from our regularly scheduled cynical and depressing entry to bring you this light and fun entry.

You walk into your neighborhood convenience store and see the clerk getting the crap beat out of him by some big ass drunk dude. What do you do? Run out and call the police? That would make sense. Then what? Maybe go in and try to stop the guy, but he's huge, its unlikely you'll make a difference on your own. A weapon would help, but where do you get one?

Well this woman ran into that exact situation, and went back into the store to find herself with no weapon with which to help fight the attacker off. She decided her best course of action was to throw bananas at him. Bananas! That's awesome. The only way it would have been funnier is if she flung her own feces at him. As it is, the guy got hit in the head with seven bananas at close range. That couldn't have felt good. He gave up and started running away but was stunned enough by the fruit barrage that he got caught relatively easily by police.

This is what we need. Fewer stories about unwanted military recruitment and toxic fish and more stories about crime fighting with produce. I want murders solved with zuchinni. Watermelon justice for abused kids. Celery thwarted terrorism. Corporate stealing foiled by durian. Criminals of the world, fear the eggplant.

Unlikely, I know. Will it ever happen? Like a lot of things in life, we can only hope.

BLOG 302 - Death by Sushi

2005-03-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

The EPA recently commissioned a study on the cost of mercury poisoning. They were basically applying the formula. Take the number of people in the world, A, multiply it by the percentage of probable poisoning, B, and multiply that by the average cost of treating a poisoned person, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of lowering mercury emissions, then they won't lower them.

That's all well and good, except the Harvard study that the EPA paid for said that X was greater than the cost of lowering emissions by a lot. So what did they do? They ignored it.

Isn't that the great American way? If you something proves you wrong, just ignore it. Discount it and move on with your original plans. We should apply this philosophy to more aspects of our lives.

If you're building a house and the contractor says that the building materials are unsafe and the house could collapse at any time, go ahead at build it anyway. What does he know.

If you're going to the mountains and check the weather and it says the road are closed and iced over, just ignore it. It's not like the weatherman checks weather for a living.

If you're going on a date and everyone that knows the guy/girl says he/she is crazy and no good, don't worry about it. How bad could it be.

We have plans dammit, and the American way is to move forward with them, consequences be damned.

In the meantime, more and more mercury is being shot up in the air, falling into bodies of water, eaten by small animals and fish, concentrated into larger amounts as it moves up the food chain, and eventually eaten by humans leading to freaky health problems.

Sushi will kill us all.

BLOG 301 - We Want You

2005-03-23T06:36:00.000-05:00

to die for your country.

Apparently our friends in the White House decided to tack on a little part to the No Child Left Behind program. In it, there is a provision that requires all public schools to give out their student's personal information to military recruiters. You can read about it here.

Nothing that happens really surprises me anymore. I'm sure recruiters can get your name and phone number in any number of ways, but this just seems insidiously creepy. As if the education system wasn't jacked up enough, legislation aimed at helping it comes with military recruiting tacked on.

I can just imagine the thought process that went behind this move:

CRONY 1

The federal military budget is only 400 billion dollars. We're not going to be able to get enough soldiers with that.

CRONY 2

I know, we can throw in some provisions on the education bill. They've got over 50 billion dollars to spend. They don't need all of that money to themselves.

CRONY 1
That's brilliant! We'll make it look like we're helping the kids, and then we can help them right into the military.

CRONY 2
Yeah, and we won't have to waste any more money on those recruiting commercials anymore. Instead of them having to call us, we can just call them and push them into it.

CRONY 1
Make sure you only call the poor and minorities, we wouldn't want to force our kids to go to war and die.

CRONY 2
Of course. What do you think I am? Stupid?

They've used my body like a child's toy
Discarding me when I was destroyed
Now I lay bleeding in the sand
My blood is running through my hands
I wish that I could stand just once more
To resist the system that left me at death's door

BLOG 300 - The Radio Still Sucks

2005-03-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

We want a band that plays loud and hard every night
and doesn't care how many people are counted at the door

I saw Thought Riot in Berkeley over the weekend. They're a very good punk band that isn't too well known. Writing politically charged music on A-F records, it is unlikely they will enjoy too much commercial success. It's a shame that the best bands often go ignored because their sound and their ideas are deemed unacceptable by the media conglomerates that control the airwaves. When MTV decides that they can't sell something, they bury it by piling more useless reality faux-celebrity bullshit onto the already crowded landscape.

With music on television being that poor, one might seek refuge in radio. While that sounds good in principle, the reality is the radio is a joke. Here in San Diego there is one independent rock station, 94.9, which is at least trying, but it's starting to sound a lot like its Clear Channel competition 91X. 94.9 at least has a few hours dedicated to local bands and more independent labels. Big radio stations don't even bother anymore. These radio stations cut deals to play only major label bands and we hear the same songs over and over again. I like Green Day as much as the next guy, but after hearing Boulevard of Broken Dreams at least three times a day, it gets a little old. I don't even listen to the radio and I hear it all the time. I pity the poor fool who actually listens to the radio.

Because of a lack of exposure, bands like Thought Riot often have a tough road and short lifespan. Instead of encouraging new music that makes you think, the current climate fosters music that you turn your brain off to listen to. As a result, the good bands struggle financially, which leads to band member turnover, which can lead to lower quality music, which can lead to the early death of a band. In order to encourage and support the independent label bands, I've taken a few steps that don't really demand too much of me and that I hope help the bands out.

I buy as much music as I can direct from the band or independent label they are on. This cuts out the music store middleman, though I will buy from non-chain record stores too. I still go to shows despite the fact that I am usually the oldest person there. Touring is the only way most small bands get any exposure, and hopefully a little money. Going to shows is not only fun, it increases the chance the band will come back and get booked again. I buy merch directly from the band at shows. Nothing like a straight cash transaction to keep things simple.

Bands I've been listening to recently:
Against Me!
Anti-Flag
Thought Riot

BLOG 299 - Random Thoughts

2005-03-21T15:48:00.000-05:00

- Back from vacation in NorCal. Work managed to get me while I was up there, so it wasn't as complete a break as I hoped it would be.

- Zachary's Pizza in Berkeley is the best. My favorite part is the soft top layer of crust as you crunch it into the crispy bottom layer.

- Foosball is a difficult game to master. It involves too many motor skills that I do not possess.

- My search for an acoustic guitar continues. Not sure if I should keep looking for something used or just buy a new one.

- First thing I did this morning was spill soda on my mouse. It's good to be back at work.

- Sarcasm is easy to write, and hard to pick up when reading.

- Hope everyone enjoyed truth week. I got no takers on LoveBlog, so like all my ideas, it's going on the shelf.

BLOG 298 - Inevitable

2005-03-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

We all knew I was going to hell, but which level?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Extreme
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

BLOG 297 - Truth Week 5: Loveblog

2005-03-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

We come to the end of truth week, and it has been quite interesting. Next week I will be in beautiful Northern California, so the blog will be on hiatus until I get back.

Before I move on, thanks to KelBel for the random comments and the link from her blog. She also links to Branshine, whose blog I find hilariously inspired and completely insane.

I spent the other Truth Week entries dealing with other people. Today we will be dealing with a truth about myself.

Let's try to keep as much emotion out of this as possible

I spent a portion of last night helping a friend of mine make sense of his relationship problems. He was going through a rocky patch and couldn't figure out how to deal with it. When I heard his story, I smiled to myself because I knew his problem wasn't as dire as he thought it was. Having no emotional investment in his relationship, I could analyze the situation rationally and give some advice. Hopefully it works out for him, and I hope I helped him a little.

The truth is, it never seems to be a problem for me to listen to other people and help them think things out and give some advice, but it is almost always a problem when I try to do the same thing for myself. When analyzing myself, I can't help but let emotion play a role, and I end up making bad decisions. The worst part of it is that it is always an internal struggle. The rational and irrational sides of me battle against each other and I end up not satisfying either side. It is impossible to think clearly about anything when it is something that affects me.

There's not much I can do but try to improve my ability to analyze myself. I have to try to either keep my emotions in check, or fully commit to an emotional decision. The in between stuff is killer. Despite my shortcomings in advising myself, my friend was enthusiastic about my ability to help others, and he suggested that I write a relationship advice column for guys. Ironic, since I have almost no experience with relationships that actually work and have been chronically single for most of my life.

That said, it seems like an intriguing idea to try out. So if you have a relationship issue and want me to take a shot at it, go ahead and send me an email. I'll keep it anonymous and change names and details as necessary to keep it that way. It will be like Loveline in blog form without a doctor and fewer dick and fart jokes.

BLOG 296 - Truth Week 4: War of the World

2005-03-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

The only thing that will stop us from killing each other are the aliens.

Armed conflict is nothing new to the world. Ever since man figured out how to use tools, they quickly figured out how to use tools to kill each other. Of course instead of a sharpened rock on a stick, we now have splitting atoms on a freaking missile. No matter the difference in technology, the meatbags using it remain the same. We'd like to believe that world leaders are smarter than they were thousands of years ago, that they've learned something from history. The truth is, almost nothing is learned. Greed and hatred aren't easily hidden character traits.

There will always be another war, another excuse someone somewhere will find to fight. The proletariat will decide they've had enough. An Archduke will be murdered. Hitler will want more resources for his master race. Communism will be an imminent threat. Israelis and Palestinians will hate each other. Saddam will want oil. Bush will want to destroy then rebuild Saddam's former country. And that's just in the last century.

A Star Trek geek suggested to me that all we need is a warp drive and replicator and world peace will happen. I disagree. In Trek, the replicator made fighting for resources unnecessary, thus ending war. In reality, if a replicator were ever developed the military would confiscate it so fast to produce more weapons we'd never know it existed. Even then, in Trek, just because humans stopped fighting each other didn't mean they stopped fighting at all. They just found someone else to fight.

The only way humans will stop hating and killing each other is if they find someone else to hate. Nothing unites like a common enemy. The only way we could find a common enemy is if aliens invaded earth, War of the Worlds style. We create human enemies by dehumanizing them, so imagine how easy it would be if the enemy actually wasn't human.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that we can count on aliens to bring us together anytime soon. Until they do, I'm afraid the sad truth is that there will always be another war, another excuse that people will find to kill each other in order to solve nothing.

All of the sudden
People start talking about guns
Talking like they're going to war
Cuz they've found something to die for!

BLOG 295 - Truth Week 3: Life of Brain

2005-03-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

Before I get to today's truth, I must mention that someone stole my shoes. I was at the gym and was going to go for a swim to conclude my workout. Since my locker was full, I decided I would just leave my shoes underneath the bench in the locker room. I had done that many times before and decided that no one would want to steal my year old 40 dollar tennis shoes. After all, they're old, smelly, and who plays tennis anymore? Well sure enough, when I got out of the pool 30 minutes later, they were gone. I hope whoever stole them is enjoying them immensely, because they must have been really hard up to steal used gym shoes.

Note: I had a different blog up here for a few hours but it has been taken down for rework. I tried to tackle too big of an idea without enough time to really explore it.

And there's no need to shit talk or impress.

More and more people value style over substance.

There is a disturbing fascination with style and popularity in this society that is very irritating. Too many people are concerned with how they look, and how they are viewed by others. By now it's obvious that I strongly dislike the MTV and other forms of mass media brainwashing, but what also irks me is the way it instills a need for some people to constantly show off. You've seen them. Guys with random bling on for no real reason. Do you really need a diamond studded necklace to go with your sweats at the grocery store? Girls with too much makeup, the sunglasses with no frames, and a short skirt. That's fine club wear, but it might be a bit much for the swap meet. People who display their iPods prominently when a pocket or bag would be a much easier place to put it. Almost anyone who drives a new VW Bug.

Life isn't some sort of pissing contest to see who can be the coolest person with the coolest stuff. It's not a competition. Show me something real underneath the faux personality that society deems cool.

Someone close to me once said that my true friends are people I can compete with. They are my competition, and we push each other to succeed by trying to best each other in life, be it by earning more money, getting a better job, or raising a better family.

What a load of crap.

My friends are there specifically so I don't have to worry about impressing them. The reason they are my friends is that I feel comfortable around them and they are there to help me, not compete with me. Is it good for them to challenge me to be a better person, to make the most of myself? Of course it is, but that challenge doesn't have to be in the form of competition. Friends as competitors aren't really friends at all. They are just more casualties of valuing style and outward appearance more than true character.

If there is one thing that I've always valued, it is the ability to think for yourself. Don't do something because it is popular. Trying to impress people impresses no one.

You're all individuals.
You're all different.

BLOG 294 - Truth Week 2: Polishing Brass

2005-03-08T13:08:00.000-05:00

I apologize for these first two entries being so relationship oriented. I didn't plan them that way, but recent conversations sparked a reaction.

Polishing the brass on the Titanic

My friend told me a good story today. It was about a guy who proposed to his girlfriend. She said no and broke up with him the next day. The end.

Got to love stories like that. Gives you real faith in relationships.

Today's truth? Lot's of people are in relationships for the sake of being in one.

It doesn't matter how the relationship started. All that matters is how it is now. People sometimes coast in their relationships, content to stay the course and not question why they are in them. But where is the relationship going? Worry about it later. Marriage? Haven't thought about it.

People just don't think about it, or they do and convince themselves to ignore it. In the story above, the girl was just in the relationship because the only alternative was being single. When finally confronted with true commitment, and not just pretending to be committed, she ran from it. She had to think all of a day to decide that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with the guy.

The prospect of being alone is scary. Some people are so scared of it, or uncomfortable with the mere thought of it, that they will stay in a relationship they know is going nowhere to avoid it. The excuses and denials are the same. "I'm too young to think about marriage." "I don't know where I'm going to be living." "I'm still in school." What happens when they run out of excuses? Why suffer through being alone when they can be with someone while keeping an eye out for something better to come along? Because that's what it boils down to.

Are you in a relationship? Once in a while, it might be a good idea to ask yourself, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" Do a periodic gut check and make sure you know how you feel, and how your significant other feels. If he or she proposed tomorrow, what would you say? Why would you answer that way?

Think about these things. They're important because if you're not paying attention, all of the sudden you've been treading water for months, then years. The longer a relationship goes, the harder it is to end it. Is there a worse thing than being alone? To me there is. It's being stuck in a relationship going nowhere.

BLOG 293 - Truth Week 1: The Poor Bastard Phenomenon

2005-03-07T15:13:00.002-05:00

It's time for another week long series. I'm often told that I tell the truth, often bluntly and rarely sugar coated. Well this week I will explain some truths for you. Many of you will see this as obvious, some of you might not. Either way, I hope you get a good laugh or perhaps even learn something.

The Poor Bastard Phenomenon

I have mentioned this a few times before, and I thought it was common knowledge, but I guess not. Many people (all female), have never heard of it, and when it is explained, they don't believe it. Well believe this, the poor bastard is real, and he's more common than you think.

poor bas·tard
n.

1. An individual (usually male) who's affection for another is not reciprocated
2. One who hangs on for more emotional abuse when moving on would be more appropriate

adj.

1. Having the qualities of a poor bastard
2. Lacking dignity and self respect

How does this happen? It's quite easy actually. I was a guilty of it myself for a while. An example? A guy meets a girl and falls in love. Either he tells her how he feels or he doesn't, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that the girl doesn't feel the same way. Since "being friends" is a better sounding solution than "never seeing each other again", he decides that he can put his feelings on the shelf and just enjoy the girl's company as a friend. Unfortunately, people can't shelve feelings like canned goods and forget about them. The guy begins spending more and more time with his "friend" and all of the sudden he is a substitute boyfriend, putting everything he has into the relationship with nothing but ignorant bliss from the girl in return. If the guy was smart, he'd get the hell out of it. But guys are idiots. He'd rather be backup boyfriend than nothing at all.

You've heard it all before, but recently I've heard both first and second hand about girls who claim they don't know the condition. They may not know the name, but they should at least recognize it. Instead I hear things like "He's just a really good friend". "He's a great guy, I'm just not attracted to him." My personal favorite was this one. "I broke up with him a few months ago when we were out to dinner one night. He cried in the restaurant and took it pretty hard. But we're still friends. He took me out for Valentine's Day and got me flowers and a present, and he seems fine." I'm paraphrasing a little, but the plot details are accurate. There are many things the guy in that story is, and fine is not one of them.

So girls, if you are spending an inordinate amount of time with a guy who is not your boyfriend, here is a handy list of questions to ask yourself to determine if he is a poor bastard (PB).

- Is he gay? If yes, you are in the clear. It is a safe bet that he is not romantically interested in you and that you are not destroying his life one day at a time. You can skip the rest of the questions.

- Did he already profess his love for you in the past? If yes, and you're still spending all this time together, he is a PB. You can skip the rest of the questions.

- Does he give you gifts for no reason? If yes, this is a PB warning sign. He is not just being nice for the sake of being nice. In general, guys don't do things like this without having some sort of feeling behind it.

- Do you have physical contact with him for reasons other than a quick hug hello or goodbye, handshake, or high five? Those are forms of acceptable friendly contact. Unacceptable forms of friendly contact include but are not limited to extended hugs, kissing anywhere, holding hands, anything that occurs while lying on a bed, and any form snuggling. If you do any of those things, chances are that he is taking it differently than you are and he is PB.

- Can you ask him to do anything and be reasonably sure he will say yes? This is pretty clear, he'll do anything for you. Maybe it's a sign of other things. Examples include, borrowing money, driving you somewhere out of the way, shopping with you, or doing you any favor that most people would say "Do it you own damn self!" to.

- Does he change his plans for you? Does it seem like being with you is his number one priority? If he cancels a weekend trip with some old college buddies so he can sit around with you and watch movies on a Saturday night, you can be pretty sure you are pretty important to him. If he puts you at number one, where is he going to put the girl he is in love with? Let me give you a hint, she's already there.

- Does he get weird, moody, or distant when you mention your boyfriend, a date, or spending time with any other guy? If yes, surprise surprise, he is jealous and heartbroken over this reminder that you don't love him. He always knew it was true, but all that time together almost made him forget it and believe he had another chance. Well he doesn't and he's all the more PB for it.

So now you know if he is PB or not. What can you do about it? You could do nothing. If you wanted to, you could continue to string him along for the unconditional love, support, and gifts. If that is your choice, go head. You are evil.

Otherwise your options are to break it to him gradually and break his heart, or cut him off completely and break his heart. It really doesn't matter which one you choose because either way you're going to feel guilty (sometimes) and he is going to feel like a sack of excrement (always). It's not your fault he didn't break it off himself, and it doesn't make you any worse of a person for doing it for him.

Just know that poor bastards are real and you may be unknowingly stringing one along. Now you know the truth.

BLOG 292 - Like my heart

2005-03-05T06:36:00.000-05:00

Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

BLOG 291 - Fatty fat food

2005-03-04T16:17:00.000-05:00

Why Taco Bell is better than McDonald's and how Popeye's rules the universe.

The best fast food chains are the ones that embrace who they are. They have no delusions about their clientele and cater to them. Taco Bell is one such chain. They know they make low quality, high taste food that night owls and stoners enjoy eating. They embrace the fake cheese, the processed beef, and the predilection for hot sauce. When they discovered that kids with the munchies comprised a good percentage of their customers, they kept that drive thru window open late.

McDonald's on the other hand, always does their best to try to be cool and hip. They want to be everything to everyone. From the "I'm lovin' it" commercials to appeal to the "urban" crowd and the kids screaming commercials to appeal to the screaming kids and the green themed commercials because well, green is a healthy color, McDonald's has been trying too hard for years. Like they think their shit don't stink. Their food is just as bad as everyone else's. Just embrace it and run with it like Carl's Jr. Carl's knows that every once in a while people just want a fat ass sandwich. McDonald's wants to fool people into eating there every day.

Now McDonald's is trying to move in on the burrito game with Chipotle. As if Rubio's and Baja Fresh needed another clone out there. Mexican food posing as health food, what a scam. It doesn't even taste that good for the 1000 plus calories per burrito. If I'm going to kill myself with fast food, I'll do it with Popeyes.

The fact that almost everything available at Popeye's is deep fried is a good sign. Pretending to be healthy would just be foolish for them. Instead big pictures of golden brown fried foods adorn their windows and menu. They embrace who they are and the food doesn't disappoint. The chicken is crispy and tasty and actually much less greasy than KFC chicken. They have shrimp and catfish po' boys where you can actually see and taste real seafood. And the biscuits are buttery goodness. Those southern people may be ultra-conservative religious nuts, but they sure know how to fry up some good food.

Heart attack in 5... 4... 3... 2...

BLOG 290 - Muscles burning alcohol and nicotine

2005-03-03T14:02:00.000-05:00

It has always baffled me to see what people percieve as cool. One of the most baffling "cool" things is the frat boy/binge drinker image. For some reason it's desireable to drink excessively and act out violently before throwing up and passing out and not remembering anything the next day. We all became familiar with this phenomenon in college. Most of us may have even tried it once. It is the people who continue to do this and who continue to find it cool that confuse me.

I'm all for drinking and even being drunk. I'm all for acting stupid and silly. I am all against overdoing it just to be cool. I used to go out with this group of people from time to time. They had all been friends in college and were now mid-twenties professionals for the most part. Yet almost all of them were borderline or not so borderline alcoholics. They binge drank to the point of passing out. They could all hit a keg all day long and go out drinking at night. The endurance and tolerance was impressive, but the reationale was not. These people were incapable of having fun without being shitfaced. Sitting around and not drinking was considered lame and a waste of time because they weren't getting drunk. These weren't mindless frat boys either, but they had the frat boy mentality. They were trying so hard to be cool, they went ahead and became something they were not.

That's not an isolated example either. I've heard of other groups of people with varying degrees of delusion. Instead of pretending to be something they're not, all of these people need to figure out who they really are. They need to stop trying to be percieved as cool by whoever it is they are trying to impress. They need to accept who they are and define their own meaning of cool. There are enough stupid frat boys out there. The last thing we need is intelligent people striving to be dumb.

And me and my friends are just growing
Into the drunks and the liars that we've always hated.

BLOG 289 - Dance like no one was watching

2005-03-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

... with one fist in the air!

Have you ever had one of those moments? The ones where you are stuck in the routine, doing the mundane, and you suddenly are pulled out of reality for a second. You're generally alone and not really paying attention to anything in particular and then you notice what a nice day it is, or you stop to look at the stars. They're like little zen moments interspersed throughout your normal life. Never do you feel more alone and insignificant. Never do you feel more in harmony and peace. Sometimes you can chase after these moments by going hiking in the mountains or finding a secluded beach. Sometimes they just happen while you're walking to your car or walking your dog at night. Either way, they make you think about the bigger picture.

I have my fair share of these moments. It helps to live in San Diego, which has beautiful weather and ocean views that lend themselves to that sort of thing. Having feelings like that reminds me that I need to get my ass out more and do the things I enjoy doing instead of wasting away at work. I need to chase more of those moments and start enjoying the times I have. Its time to start taking steps away from being mediocre.

Who wants to join me? I'll be going to Northern California for a week in March. I'm probably going to Mammoth sometime in late March or early April. I'm planning a whitewater rafting trip sometime in May or June. If I can't solve my problems, I'll do my best to make them chase me around California.

If you're interested in joining/meeting me for any of these things, leave a comment below.
Come live life with me.

You are not your job,
you're not how much money you have in the bank,
you're not the car you drive,
you're not the contents of your wallet,
you're not your fucking khakis.

BLOG 288 - Random thoughts

2005-03-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

- The best part about having a dog is that all you need to earn his unconditional love is to feed his fat ass every day. Food = love. If only all things were that simple.

- Fate is no longer something I believe in. Things don't always work out by themselves. Everything will not be better unless you do something about it.

- A sushi place down the street started offering all you can eat sushi. It is ridiculously good. Now that I've had it three weeks in a row, I'm prepared to declare it a disaster for it to be so close. I must control myself.

- Why are people so afraid of change? Is moving on really so hard? I wish I knew the answer to this.

- A Popeyes chicken also opened up nearby. It's a disaster of all you can eat sushi proportions.

- A hilarious trailer for the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is online if you like that crazy British humor.

- When was the last time you fell asleep on the toilet? I did it last week, but it was purely intentional.

BLOG 287 - Hopes and Dreams

2005-02-28T15:51:00.000-05:00

Optimists. The world is full of them. I just didn't realize it.

When you are as pessimistic as I am, you just assume everyone else is too. It didn't used to be this way. I used to have a nugget of optimism under the shell of pessimism. I used pessimism as a defense mechanism, a way of lowering expectations to soften the blow should things go wrong. Change that sentence to "... soften the blow when things go wrong" and you can see how I lost the underlying optimism.

Irrational positive thinking doesn't come naturally to me. Being positive is difficult to do when it seems like everything is going so poorly. Often, when I see a cute girl, I get sad. All I can think about is pain. If she's with her boyfriend (which is most of the time), I think about relationships and the pain they bring. If she's alone, I think about rejection and the pain it brings. Rarely do I think, "I should go talk to her because it could lead to a happy relationship". I brought this up with some of my friends this weekend and they were shocked to hear it. "Why would you be sad when you see someone attractive?" I didn't have an answer for them. I realized then that I had forgotten that my friends are normal people. They're optimists. They don't automatically think of a worst case scenario every time they encounter a new situation.

Me? I'm bitter and pessimistic. I can be positive for others, and optimistic about their situations, but I can't for myself. I didn't realize how bad I had become until this weekend. Something has to be done. If I can't bring myself to be positive, there's no way I'll be able to make myself happy. Somewhere along the way I lost that nugget of optimism, and I need to find it again.

Am I forgetting what it looks like from the other side
Have I forgotten where I've come from?

BLOG 286 - The meaning of life

2005-02-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

Just when I was getting on a roll and posting every day (weekday that is), I went and got sick. It was nothing too serious, just exhaustion, headache, and green mucous. A couple of days of continuous napping cleared it right up.

So why the lofty title? I'm not going to pretend I've found the meaning of life. In fact, I'm sure it's something we'll be searching for up until the day we die. What I am concerned about is the pursuit of money being the default goal for everyone. Money as a measure of success is pretty much the accepted standard. If you're richer, you have been more successful in life. Never mind the fact that once you have money, its easier to make money. I dont understand the need to constantly strive to make more and more money. Once you've made enough to live comfortably, what's the point of killing yourself to make more?

I know someone who at one point was worth about four billion dollars. FOUR BILLION! Sweet jesus, cash out and retire. You couldn't burn through four billion in a lifetime if you were MC Hammer. Instead he continued plugging away, trying to make even more money. As fate would have it, the internet boom went bust and he is now worth "only" a few hundred mil. Still not too shabby. Still enough to quit at any time. But why keep going? Money? Pride? Like there was a need for even more of either?

Now see Mark Cuban. Dude sold his company and made eight billion dollars. He bought a sports team (the Mavericks), dabbles in random stuff he finds fun (bad TV shows), and looks for the next big thing in technology (HDTV). He's using his money to do the things he truly enjoys. If he happens to make more money in the process, that's gravy, but really, the man doesn't need more money and he knows it. He's out enjoying his life and isn't going to waste more of it in pursuit of more money.

I know I've written about this before. Hell, I probably used the same two examples of rich guys. But the point doesn't get old. You're born and then you die. Killing yourself in between those two times to strive for a goal contrived for you by society probably isn't the best way to live. Now if only I could follow my own advice.

I've found it now
I've found the meaning of life
You're only born so you can die

BLOG 285 - Lesson learned

2005-02-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to draw the ire of God right before my trip to Vegas. I ended up losing money in the most gut punching way possible. I guess it wouldn't have mattered either way. A fun side effect of the fiasco was that I was the real life equivalent of William H. Macy's character in The Cooler. In that movie, his luck is so bad that a casino hires him to cool off hot gamblers by going to sit next to them and spread his bad luck to them. I described this a little in the previous blog, and it happened to a more extreme extent this time.

Since I had lost all of my money, I was simply watching people bet at tables. No matter where I went, the dealers got hot or the people I was watching had bad luck or both. I would wander around the blackjack tables watching people lose their money to improbably dealer hits to 21. I went to see roulette and saw the ball land on 0 and everyone lose their money. I watched freaking Pai Gow and the dealer would get a few pairs. When I realized my newfound power, I sought out people who were doing well and stood next to them. Cheering at the craps table? I walk over and see bets lying all over the table. One roll later, 7 out. All the money goes to the house. My friends noticed this phenomenon too and started directing me to various tables, with devastating consequences. Eventually I felt bad and just sat away from the tables so people could start winning again.

I did have a good run at the craps table to get a little ahead. Turns out that was just God teasing me before sucker punching me. I know what you're thinking. There's no way that I could possibly affect the outcome of games of chance. Come with me to Vegas next time, I'll show you personally. I'll be there again this weekend if you want to meet me. Why keep going back if I have such terrible luck? Because just like life, you have to keep trying even when you know you're going to lose.

BLOG 284 - God hates you

2005-02-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start adding titles to my posts. I didn't label them before because they didn't have that feature when I started blogging. Now that they do, I think I'm going to use it. I'll keep numbering the entries though, for continuity. Fanboys love the continuity.

I'm heading out to Vegas tonight. This will make it way too many trips this year and its only February. Besides the buffets, the only thing getting killed in Vegas is me at the tables. That's right, I have the worst gambling luck out of anyone I know. The only thing that saves me from utterly destroying my own life is some semblance of self control. If the dealer hits to 20 or 21 when I have 19 or 20 more than 5 times in a row, I walk away. If I double down on 11 twice in one shoe and get an ace both times, I walk away. If every time I increase my bet I get dealt 15 or 16 and every time I decrease my bet I get a blackjack, I walk away. Now that's will power.

I'm a walking bad luck charm in Vegas. I feel bad for the people who's table I sit down at, or even just stop to watch. Inevitably, any table I get near, the dealer starts hitting 21 and getting blackjacks. My last trip to Vegas, I was wandering around the Monte Carlo. I stopped to watch a blackjack table. The dealer promptly got blackjack, 20, blackjack three hands in a row. I moved on to the next table. Blackjack, 20, 20. I decide to go to the craps table. A woman goes on a run and hits a couple of points. She is not crapping out. I put some money down. She establishes a point. Within two rolls she craps out. Five minutes later, I'm out fifty bucks.

The point is, God hates me. He probably hates you too, but I know for sure he hates me. When I was growing up, I was always an atheist. Show me some proof that god exists and then I'll believe, I said at the time. I held this stance all the way through high school. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in college, I became an agnostic. Maybe there is a higher being out there. A friend of mine was caught cheating in college, and got away with a relatively light punishment. It was such a slap on the wrist that he decided someone was looking out for him, and decided it must be God. Other people I know have found Jesus in similar ways. God helped them through tough times. My reasoning is a bit different. I'm convinced there may be a higher power in part because someone or something out there hates me. Some supreme deity exists and he/she/it enjoys messing with me.

So that's it. God or something exists. That means I should worship him right? I'm afraid not. I live a fairly moral life. I partake in the occasional sin, like gambling, but don't really do anything that harms others. I've witnessed churchgoing moralists partake in much more seedy things than I've ever been a part of. That doesn't seem to matter though. God is random and chooses who to punish without much reason. Why do corrupt business men lead happy lives and churchgoing believers get killed in a tornado? Why do murderers escape and children get cancer? There are better ways to win followers than by making them suffer. I'm not going to sit around like Job and take God's punishment while kissing his ass at the same time. I'm not going to wait around for him to decide he's tired of ruining my life and suddenly decide to bestow me with 40 goats, a new wife, and 99% fewer skin boils. If there's one thing that the greatest work of fiction ever published has taught me, it's that God is a dick. I may be convinced now that there is a higher being out there, but I don't have to like him.

I'm fighting to the very end, which may not be very long. If you find me struck down by lighting or smote in some other way, don't be too shocked.

Can anybody tell me
Why God won't speak to me?
Why Jesus never called on me
To part the fucking seas?

Why death is easier than living?
You can be almost anything
When you're on your fucking knees.

BLOG 283 - My Super Stab Sixteen

2005-02-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

I was forced to watch a bit of MTV the other day. There's a show on that I'm sure you're all familiar with. It involves extremely spoiled rich kids planning their sixteenth birthday party. Most of the scenes feature kids demanding cars as gifts, kids ordering their parents around, and kids generally being supreme jackasses. It seems like this is a pretty popular show. People have a fascination with watching rich people be rich I guess. Why? I have no idea. The only thing I wanted to do after seeing the show was think of creative ways to kill all of the people on the screen.

How is it entertaining to see such a clear example of why this country is so messed up. We see the richest of the rich just throwing money away. We see them treat everyone around them with contempt simply because they don't have as much money. We see them act with such a funamentally flawed concept of life that one wonders how such people could exist in the world. Its no wonder that just about everyone hates Americans. Who runs this country? Rich people. What to people see when they see the United States? Our rich president. What do they see when we start more wars? Our rich country trying to get richer. No? How about our self righteous country trying to impose our beliefs on the world.

Its not that big of a stretch. MTV is like any other cult... I mean organized religion. It encourages people not to think. It dictates to its followers what is acceptable behavior and style. People watch mindlessly and blindly accept what they see. They like the music they're told to like. Ashlee Simpson has a music career. They dress how they are told to dress. 80's skirts and trucker hats look good with sheepskin boots in southern california in the summer. Nothing bothers me more than people who can't think for themselves. MTV creates as many if not more mindless drones than religion does. For as many people who watch shows like the Sweet Sixteen show to laugh at the characters on it, there are just as many if not more people who want to BE the characters on the show. Scary.

More rants on MTV to follow... assuming I'm forced to watch something else on that poor excuse for a channel.

2005-02-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

BLOG 282.1

A new look for the blog. I just chose the simple black template. Black like my heart.

You can also leave comments now, if you feel so inclined. I really don't have much of an idea who's reading this anymore anyway. You don't have to be registered to comment, just blast away, I can take it.

To those still reading... Thanks for sticking around for so long. I'll try to keep it entertaining.

2005-02-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

BLOG 282

A couple of links for you:

- Church sign generator. This doesn't get old. Anytime you hear a song lyric or quote or come up with something profound, just think "how would this look on a church sign?" It adds a whole new dimension to the profundity.

- The Onion. This is probably the best onion article since the 'Jesus gives props to rappers' one. I guess its a statement on my mood too, since the article is satire, yet still bleak and eerily accurate. It doesn't get any truer than the last couple paragraphs in this article.

- Sports Guy. I hate Vince Carter. I may actually hate him more than Peyton Manning. At least Manning tries his best when he's failing spectacularly in a big game.

- Rolling Stone. It's good to know that I'm the prime target for any upcoming draft. Remember the "Axis of Evil"? That was a good call Mr. Prez. War with Iran? North Korea? I'll probably be there. Good times.

2005-02-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

BLOG 281

Today is just another day.

There is one good thing about being lonely and sad. I may not have a girlfriend, but at least there's not a day dedicated to reminding me of this fact. I mean constantly running commercials with flowers, hearts, and chocolates in them leading up to this hypothetical day would just be rubbing it in. Thank god every couple doesn't go out en masse on this day either, because that would really depress the singles.

Oh, that day does exist? Valentine's Day! How could I forget the day that has consistently been the worst day of the year for most of my life. If I can call it just another day, its been a good year. In fact I've only had one year when it was actually a good day. That was last year with my girlfriend and well, we know how that one turned out.

Last night it occurred to me that despite everyone's insistence that things will work out and that I'll "meet the right girl" eventually, I feel like there is a good chance I'll end up like this for the rest of my life. Lonely, hating my job, stuck in one place... just counting down the time until I die. I decided to do a little research and found something surprising. According to the US Census, 33% of males age 30-34 have never been married. 21% of males 35-39. Gotta like those odds. The percentages are inversely proportional to the annual income for males. Take from that what you will. Even so, the chances of ending up alone at age 40 are a lot higher than I expected. Good times.

Well hopefully, I won't keep having to write these little tidbits of bitter sarcasm year after year, but I'm not guaranteeing anything.

Every shortcoming has trapped us.
Every mistake is now our own infinite failure.

2005-01-20T17:17:00.000-05:00

BLOG 280

Random thoughts:

- I'm putting a moratorium on depressing entries about life and relationships. From now on, its only going to be funny entries about life and relationships... really. I swear.

- If you have any sense of humor at all and you want to enjoy some left leaning political commentary, you owe it to yourself to check out Mark Morford's twice weekly columns. Its a good way to spend a Wednesday or Friday.

- Have I reached the age where I no longer take the time to find new music? Yes. But I'm proud to say that I have not reached the age where I stop listening to new music. Stuff like the Life Aquatic sountrack and the Garden State soundtrack are a really easy way to find new bands. All of the work of searching has been done for you already by the directors of the movie.

- Did I mention that Sideways is a really good movie? Go see it.

- I've been pimping Bill Simmons for years as a writer I look up to. It seems that with the success of his sports teams (Red Sox and Patriots), Bill has developed somewhat of a big head and dare I say it, a sense of superiority. Which isn't to say that his writing has gotten worse. Its just that the drastic shift in tone the last few months has been amusing to say the least. Even funnier is seeing the backlash from his readers.

- I just bought a HDTV antenna for my house. Look for me to be falling off my roof trying to install it soon. Nothing like television, society's best friend. Why have real human experiences when you have fake human experiences beamed right in front of you? In high definition no less.

- Speaking of TV. Lost is an excellent show. I've been watching since the beginning and its a great mystery/character driven drama. The best part about the show is that everyone has an (initially) secret backstory, and you learn a little bit about each character with each episode. Highly addictive. I would definitely recommend it if you can catch it on re-runs or download the past episodes to catch up.

- Bowling, dinner, and Dave and Busters this Saturday for anyone who wants to attend my belated birthday party. Just give me a call if you're interested and I'll give you the details. Last year we went ice skating. I've decided that for every subsequent birthday in my 20's, I will pick an increasingly juvenile birthday activity. By the time I'm 29, we'll be moon bouncing in the backyard.

2005-01-12T01:41:00.000-05:00

BLOG 279

Is it getting better or do you feel the same?

Its probably not the best thing in the world when you question the direction of your life on a daily basis, but that's what I do. Is every day another day wasted? Why do I feel disatisfied with where I am? Is it my lack of a career interest? My lack of a romantic relationship?

I wish I had an answer. If these blogs are starting to sound repetitive, its because the same thoughts run through my head every day.

I have decided to embrace life this year. A new years resolution that's only partly sarcastic. I am truly going to try and enjoy myself at all times no matter how lost and disatisfied I feel. Whether or not I am successful in that endeavor is going to determine whether "embrace life" becomes a genuine life mantra or a bitterly sarcastic phrase.

"Wasted time wasted day
Waste a day waste away
We're wasted away"

2005-01-03T04:17:00.000-05:00

BLOG 278

I got a new computer, so I'm back in the blog business. After a couple of bowl games, all I have to say is that I hate football. After a lot of time with the parents, its a relief to finally be home and alone again. This coming from the king of loneliness.

Minefield of memories

I was cleaning up the computer room today and ended up moving stuff into a file cabinet. One of the file folders is a lot fatter than the others and always opens up. In it, I found all of the cards and letters I've saved over the years. The first one I pulled out was from the very first girl I fell in love with. Was it really love? I don't know. The person I was in love with was in my imagination. The real thing was probably very close to the person in my head...

"I have to be brutally honest and admit that I could never view you as more than a friend."

But after that line, I guess I'll never know. I almost got rid of that letter a couple of times in the past, but I never did. I keep it as a reminder to never be afraid to tell people how I feel. I waited way too long to tell that first girl how I felt and its haunted me ever since. Reading those words still stings. That sentence has and will continue to prevent me from making the same mistake ever again. Now I see that sentence and know that it's the worst that could happen. And even that isn't so bad. I'm still here to write about it.

So at the end of the night, I put the card back in its envelope and put it back into the folder to lay dormant until I once again rediscover the lesson it has to teach me.

2004-12-21T19:18:00.000-05:00

BLOG 277

My computer went ahead and died last week, so I have been working on getting a replacement and setting it up since then. Now that I have, I can get back to blogging. Just in time for Christmas. Speaking of which, I will be going to Colorado over Christmas, the Holiday Bowl in San Diego, the Rose Bowl in Los Angeles, and eventually I hope to get to Vegas, Colorado again, and perhaps Portland, Seattle and Vancouver. Hell, might as well throw in Ohio at this point too.

That's a lot of traveling. I'll do my best to keep up the blogging here.

2004-12-17T17:28:00.000-05:00

BLOG 276

And God created the hideous caterpillar mustache…

This is probably one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read. Its not meant to be a humor article, but as Bill Simmons would say, “it rates a 99 out of 100 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale”. It is one man’s conclusive proof that Creation is the answer to the age old question, “Where the heck did we come from?”

Have you read it yet? Good, because now I’m going to break it down.

I was stunned the other day when I asked evolution-believing listeners to my nationally syndicated radio show to call in and tell me why they believed…Not one evolutionist called in. Meanwhile, the phone banks lit up with dozens of evolution skeptics.

Really? What a surprise. I’m guessing, and this is just a guess, that his nationally syndicated radio show is picked up on Christian affiliates. Honestly though, I may be totally off base. Maybe his show is on NPR or picked up by college stations, but I’m going to stick with my guess of a right-wing, neo-fascist… err conservative radio station. That would make 100% of his listeners Christian nuts and 0% of his listeners evolutionists. Yet he still wonders why no evolutionists called. I wonder if it’s because no free thinking person listens to more than one sentence of right-wing radio before changing the station. The only time I’ve ever listened is when I stumble across a Christian program on the AM dial when I’m trying to find the game. My rule is to change the station after I hear the word “Jesus”. This takes usually takes about 3 seconds.

The primary reason I believe, of course, is because the Bible tells me so. That's good enough for me, because I haven't found the Bible to be wrong about anything else.

Of course… believe because the Bible told him so. Which Bible? How does he even know which one is the “correct” Bible? I guess since Genesis is the first part of the Old Testament, that’s what he’s talking about. Seven days, universe created, etc. To believe in that is all well and good, but the reasoning is not. Well its right about everything else, it must be right about that one part. Based on his writing, he’s talking about some English translation of the Old and New Testament. Never mind the fact that its been translated several times over and people with various agendas have had their turn putting what they want into it. The source material of the Bible itself is a just a bunch of dudes with some stories to tell. So how about we turn the argument around. If the Bible is wrong about creation, maybe it’s wrong about everything else. Ridiculous? Yes, as ridiculous as this guy’s assertion.

The evolutionists insist the dinosaurs lived millions and millions of years ago and became extinct long before man walked the planet.

I don't believe that for a minute. I don't believe there is a shred of scientific evidence to suggest it. I am 100 percent certain man and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. In fact, I'm not at all sure dinosaurs are even extinct!

Up until this point, the man’s argument was somewhat credible. It was the same argument Christians have been using for ages. “We just have faith, faith in God. God does our thinking for us.” That I can understand. Saying that there is no scientific evidence that the dinosaurs existed millions of years ago flushes whatever credibility this guy had right down the toilet. How’s this for science. The half-life of several radioactive particles has been scientifically measured. By measuring this, scientists can figure out how old stuff is, including dinosaur bones and random rocks in the earth.

A major flaw in creationism is that dinosaurs existed. Creationists have taken the false, but very creative notion that the earth isn’t that old and that dinosaurs and man existed at the same time. That’s very clever, but scientifically false. The oldest human ever found isn’t more than a few million years old. The youngest of the dinosaurs were more than sixty million years old.

Think of all the world's legends about dragons. Look at those images. What were those folks seeing? They were clearly seeing dinosaurs. You can see them etched in cave drawings. You can see them in ancient literature. You can see them described in the Bible. You can see them in virtually every culture in every corner of the world.

Did the human race have a collective common nightmare? Or did these people actually see dragons? I believe they saw dragons – what we now call dinosaurs.

Clearly they were dinosaurs! Maybe if you combined a pterodactyl, t-rex, and Godzilla for fire breathing ability, you’d get a dragon. This guy doesn’t even back his claim though, so of course, they were seeing dinosaurs.

Let's admit it. At least some of these observations and records indicate dinosaurs were walking the earth fairly recently – if not still walking it today.

Even if they are walking the earth today, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t walking the earth millions of years ago. Somewhere the logic doesn’t connect. Oh right, we’re dealing with faith here. Logic need not apply.

If I'm right about that – which I am – then the whole evolutionary house of cards comes tumbling down.

If he's wrong about that - which he is - then the whole creation house of cards comes tumbling down.

2004-12-06T02:21:00.000-05:00

BLOG 275

All the good times are gone.

Three quick hits:

I was going to write a nice lengthy article on “settling”, otherwise known as the act of finding and staying in a long term relationship with someone simply because its there. In the end, there’s not much to write. Either you find someone special or you settle. Depending on your threshold for loneliness, you could conceivably never settle, but since I’m not quite at that point yet, I’m not really in a position to discuss it.

I saw the movie Sideways the other day, and it was excellent. I’m not sure what it says about my personality when I enjoy a film about a depressed wine connoisseur and feel like its speaking directly to me. That said, it’s a fun movie and definitely recommended to anyone who enjoys the less than mainstream flick.

The friendzone is a topic I’ve also addressed before. Being stuck in the friendzone is a terrible thing. There aren’t many things that are worse. Being set on fire or slowly crushed in a trash compactor come close, but you get the idea. That said; there is no reason to continue staying in the friendzone once you realize you are there. If it’s such a terrible place, why do people continue to stay there and subject themselves to the pain? It’s equivalent to being set on fire right next to a swimming pool and not jumping in to douse the flames. Unlike being locked in a trash compactor, there is nothing holding you in the friendzone except yourself. Excuses like “but I still want to be friends” don’t fly. You don’t want to be friends; you want to be more than friends. If you wanted to be friends, then the friendzone wouldn’t have existed in the first place. Once residence in the friendzone is established, any subsequent days spent there are solely the fault of the tenant. That’s not to say you can’t be friends again without the pain. The zero contact rule still applies in this case as well since you’re in a relationship state of mind, even when the other person isn’t.

2004-12-01T03:36:00.000-05:00

BLOG 274

Don't want to fall asleep alone, but do I want to wake up with you?

Why is it that we are so afraid to be alone? After a breakup, there's always a period where we long for companionship if only because we've become so accustomed to it. This either leads to rebound relationships, or ill-fated attempts to keep in touch with the ex, or both.

I'm not all that worried about rebound relationships. People who deal with breakups by immediately going out and having sex with as many other people as possible may have larger issues than just being newly single. Why those people think that that course of action actually works escapes me. I would think that after the physical gratification, you'd just feel more empty and more alone, and definitely more dirty. Just not a very healthy way to deal with things.

The thing that worries me is maintaining contact with the ex right after the breakup. I've dealt with this topic before and have described my "zero contact" policy. Most of our emotions are generated by proximity. How are you supposed to be in love with someone if you never talk to them or see them? Likewise, in order to get over someone, zero contact gives you space to calm down, think things over rationally, and generally purge all of the emotions that might cloud your judgement. Otherwise you might be tempted to do something foolish, like try to get back together. Keeping in touch never lets your mind get clear of the emotion to make rational decisions. Continuing in this sort of pattern can lead to disaster much worse than if you had just left well enough alone after the initial split.

I wrote briefly on betrayal last entry. Well that's what one person inevitably feels after a while when contact is maintained. Take this rather nerdy example (you CS people will get it). Alice and Bob have just broken up, but still want to be friends. They never have any period of zero contact. They still talk to each other all the time and pretend everything is fine. They may even act couply if its convenient. Eventually, Bob heals and is ready to move on, but he doesn't want to hurt Alice so he maintains the status quo. Alice tells herself she is over Bob, but even if she stops calling him, she can't ever say no when Bob calls her to hang out. Then one day Bob meets Carol. Bob really likes Carol and starts to date her. Alice finds out and is devastated. She ends up having zero contact with Bob because she feels so betrayed.

The end result is the same as if Alice had just started the zero contact policy to begin with. Instead she hung on and got burned, hurting herself more than if she had just cut contact to begin with.

The moral of the story? Everyone should maintain zero contact for as long as it takes to really get over the ex. I'm on week three of my zero contact period and I'm not sure how much longer it will take. The mere fact that I'm writing about it means I'm not ready yet... but it's only a matter of time.

I hope you're happy, and completely lonely.

2004-11-29T01:59:00.000-05:00

BLOG 273

Three tears I saved for you

Since I’ve been neglecting my blogging in the last year or so, I guess now would be a perfect time to start it up again. I’ve got a lot more free time now that I’m single again, and what better way to use that time than writing aimlessly on the meaning of life. A topic on which I have no authority, I must admit. I started this thing over two years ago and it quickly devolved into Morose Week. Well I’m starting it back up with Morose Week 2. It may last more than a week, since I won’t be writing every day like I did before, but I’m sticking with the naming convention.

Nothing hurts worse than betrayal. In relationships, this usually means putting your complete trust in someone. You’ve entrusted that person with your heart and emotions, exposing your inner most fears and desires. Then he/she destroys that trust. It can be a simple lie or it can be a full on cheating affair. Whatever the offense, it makes the breakup that much worse, but as a result helps you hit bottom. You know how you are supposed to feel, and you feel it.

This last relationship didn’t have any betrayal. Everything was very honest and straightforward. No game playing. No confusion. So even though breaking up sucks, it hurt significantly less this time than it has in the past. Now I feel conflicted, like I should be more hurt, or madder than I actually am. All I really feel though is ho-hum… like going home and finding everything is exactly how you left it. I’m back to being single, and everything is exactly how I left it, lonely.

2004-11-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

BLOG 272

Where did the butterflies go?

My girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago. One of her primary reasons for doing so was the fact that she didn’t feel like she was “in love with [me]”. “In love”… that’s a term thrown around a lot, but it means different things to different people. To some, or most, people, they describe being in love as having butterflies in your stomach, having that feeling of being nervous and happy and excited all at once. So it is that feeling really real? I’m sure it is, but is it love? Maybe. Is it only lust? Not sure.

I know what it feels like to have butterflies in your stomach. I’ve had them once before and by the time everything was over, it was so devastatingly crushing that it took me a full two years to recover from being “in love”. Can someone be so destroyed by something as animal and hormonal as just lust? I doubt it. The butterflies have more significance than that, but do they equate to love?

I know what is feels like to love someone too, without the butterflies. Love without butterflies was the calmest and happiest time of my life. The butterflies would have added so much extra tension and energy, and with that, they add doubt. The lack of the butterflies let me truly enjoy love. To truly care about a person without having the butterflies was more real than being “in love”. I could focus on the real feelings I had and ignore all the usual bullshit that comes with relationships.

The problem is that having the butterflies makes for much more intense feelings during a relationship. Can a relationship survive if the butterflies are missing? I used to think it could, but being dumped recently has changed my opinion. Maybe people really do need their relationships to be all consuming. Maybe they need The One to come along and change their lives and what they thought their priorities were. I don’t think it has to go quite to that extreme, but I’m beginning to think that the butterflies are at least a pre-requisite for a relationship. Otherwise, why don’t more relationships between friends work out? If butterflies weren’t important, then there wouldn’t be a friendzone to worry about.

So where did my butterflies go? When I met my now ex-girlfriend, I knew she was perfect. Here was an intelligent, pretty, open-minded, down to earth girl who pretty much met every single criterion I have for my “perfect girl”. There was no doubt in my mind that I liked her and wanted to go out with her, but I never felt more than a slight flutter in my stomach. Half a butterfly maybe… More like a couple caterpillars and some cocoons. I was very much in control of my emotions and remarkably not freaked out by the prospect of having met the perfect match. Fast forward a year and I’m alone again. Butterflies never made an appearance during that year.

Could it be that the events of sophomore year in college killed off the butterflies for good? I’m beginning to think so. If anything, I should have been smitten when I first met my ex. Instead, it was as if my mind sensed that I might be developing the butterflies in my stomach and said “STOP! Remember what happened last time you felt like this”.

The butterflies are dead. That much is certain. I don’t think I’ll ever let myself develop them like I did before. My only hope is that next time I find a girl who has the butterflies for me… even if I can’t for her.

2004-09-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

BLOG 271

Wow. Just wow. This is both the best and the worst thing I have seen in a long time. You may need to mentally prepare yourself for what you are about to see. Ready?

Ludicrousness

My friend Brian sent this to me, and I felt the need to blog on the topic.

The title of the book is simply ridiculous. "How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men". There are several things wrong with this.

1) It implies that there is in fact a proven method for dating a white woman. It says "Hey, if you read me, you can date a white woman." There's no method for dating ANY woman. White, black, orange, purple, all women are different. The only thing they consistently have in common is that they are unpredictable and usually completely out of their minds (from our point of view). If the man had in fact figured out the way to woo a white woman (or any woman for that matter), he wouldn't be writing some crappy book about it. He would be out taking full advantage of his knowledge.

2) It implies that you control your own fate. This is completely false. You can only do so much, and the rest is left to chance. By keeping yourself clean, decently dressed, and portraying the best image of your personality, you reach the plateau of what is in your control. After that, its up to the (white) woman. How many times have you talked to some random girl and been funny and charming and then try to ask for a number or some other type of move only to be blown off like the poor bastard that you are. You have no control over the situation after that point. You are at the mercy of incomprehensible and often cruel female emotions. Trust me on this. Don't delude yourself into thinking you can somehow make someone like you, especially not with a stupid book like this.

3) It claims to be "practical". If you need a book to date someone, its NOT practical. Reading about how to socially interact with other people means you probably have problems that require more than a book to correct.

The only thing the book gets right is that dating white women is somehow more difficult than dating Asian women (if you are an Asian man). This is absolutely correct. Society has long viewed Asian men as sexless, small dicked, unmanly, emotionally empty, abusive, unnattractive, nonthreatening, etc... fill in your favorite Asian man stereotype. Asian women, having been around Asian men to see that most of these stereotypes are untrue, tend to be more open to dating Asian men. This is changing as more Asian women are exposed to a society in which "white is right". With white women, this is the message they have received since day one, and with less exposure to actual Asian men, they are less likely to know or meet anyone that counters the stereotypes. This is what makes dating white women harder. One book cannot change years of racial stereotyping. And if you think it can, you're in for a long lonely life.

I'm still stunned by the existence of this book. I really hope this book is a joke and that it sells zero copies. If it is real, I'm publishing my own book. I'll call it "How to score with white women: Secrets revealed for Asian men!" Inside it will read, "There is no secret. You just have to be lucky."

2004-07-21T01:20:00.000-05:00

BLOG 270

Another month, another post. I'm kind of tired from doing random stuff. Among them, a drunken scavenger hunt. One of the items on the list for said scavenger hunt was jump naked into a pool. Fortunately for you, it is not my naked ass that you see in the picture below. I had the honor of taking this picture that so perfectly captures the moment. The moment of ceremoniously bursting into a quiet pool area where a scuba class is convening and letting out a primal scream, dropping the towel and cannonballing into a pool butt naked.

As the world turns, these are the weekends of my life.

2004-06-03T01:29:00.000-05:00

BLOG 269

Its D-Day week on the History Channel. Its riveting television. I don't even have time to watch TV and yet its on the background. I can't seem to ever get enough information about WWII. I don't know why I'm so fascinated by it. Maybe its the weapons, the first widespread use of automatic and semi-automatic weapons by foot soldiers. Maybe its the beginning of the era of aircraft carriers and air superiority being key to winning a battle and a war. Maybe its the fact that this was the last truly justifiable war with an easily identifiable enemy. Maybe its a little of everything. In any case, I know many people share my opinion, with all the movies, documentaries, and video games out there about WWII. Whatever the reason, its worth knowing about.

Anyway, watch up. You might learn something.

2004-05-07T02:20:00.000-05:00

BLOG 268

So it's down to once a month for the blogs again. I don't know where the time went. Oh wait, yes I do. That whole work/school thing is killing the free time, as well as me. I've been burned out since last fall and its not a pretty sight. Now that work has picked up significantly in terms of time commitment and school has gotten extra boring, I'm entirely sick of computer science. So sick in fact, that I'm considering an entirely new line of work. I'm sticking to my plan that I outlined back in my January blog for now. I'll take the summer to figure out a new career plan for myself.

I noticed a lot of people around my age are going through a "quarter life crisis". It sounds funny at first, but then it just sounds messed up. How can someone be so disatisfied with their life at such a young age? Were we raised with unrealistic expectations? Were we spoiled by society? I don't know. Frankly, I don't have the time to explore it right now. I wish I did, and that's the whole point. I wish I could be doing something else.

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
- Tyler Durden

2004-04-06T23:52:00.000-05:00

BLOG 267

I got a dog! His name is Bela, and he's 8 years old. I adopted him from a corgi rescue. I haven't been blogging recently because work, my usual free time, is busy. So I actually have to do stuff all day. Sucks, I know.

Anyway, here are some dog pics.

2004-03-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

BLOG 266

Many of you have told me that you enjoyed the blog on gay marriage a couple of weeks ago. With San Francisco, Portland, and parts of New York also allowing gay marriage, this issue is getting bigger. By getting bigger and more commonplace, the advocates of gay marriage are winning the battle because the conservative groups and right wingers can't focus their venom on one specific case or even one specific city anymore. They're fighting a losing battle that the big W wants to win. Because the approval of gay marriage is relatively widespread, he sees the only means of defeating it is with a constitutional amendment. Its like bringing a B-52 to a gunfight. Sure you may be outnumbered, but if you can carpet bomb the opposition, you win. Not unlike all of his other policies actually.

Anyway, gay people are getting married and no one is being hurt by it. What a surprise. Here's an amusing take on it in SF Gate.

2004-03-04T21:03:00.000-05:00

BLOG 265

Browsing through ESPN.com today, I came across an interesting article. Its by Ralph Wiley, a sportswriter with some pretty lofty credentials. He tends to be a straight shooter and is a very good writer. Many of his articles, columns, and books deal with the issue of race. In today's article about Barry Bonds, linked above, Wiley suggests that the big steroid debate/scandal isn't about steroids at all. He suggests that its race that has the media portraying Bonds in a negative light. A black man isn't allowed to succeed in the world because (white) society at large is afraid of someone different, some "other", attaining a position of power and influence. Wiley says that the debate in the media isn't about steroids, its about negating Bonds' accomplishments because he is black.

There have no doubt been many occasions both in the past and present, where a fearful media, a fearful society has silenced the "other" because they were afraid of something different. Anything that could threaten the status quo that had them on top was quickly buried and discredited. I have no doubt that this has happened, and may continue to happen, but not in the case of Barry Bonds. Ralph Wiley is a fantastic writer who often times makes great points, and I'm just a wannabe punk with a blog. But in this case, he is dead wrong.

First off, he claims that the steroid debate is "sour grapes" and people wanted to discredit Bonds. That's only partly true. It may be "sour grapes", but only because Bonds has been so consistently rude to the media throughout his career. If you spend the entirety of the time that you know someone being the biggest a-hole possible, don't expect them to say kind words about you when you're in a bind. Several media members are black people themselves. Unless Wiley wants to call up his black colleagues and call them Uncle Toms and all of his white colleagues and call them Klan members (and completely ignore his Asian colleagues, because that's what people do), then he probably shouldn't accuse everyone across the board of racism. Maybe its not about Bonds' skin color, but about Bonds' charming personality.

The debate isn't just about Bonds' either. Most of the chatter I hear on sports radio, read online, or see on TV is about the effect on the game of baseball itself. Every time, I've been hearing the same names. Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield. They weren't grouped together because of race. Giambi is white. They were grouped together because of BALCO. If Bonds never associated himself with BALCO or his steroid distributing trainer, no one is mentioning his name during this debate. As it is, he received steroids from BALCO, as did the others. Wiley states, "There's still a leap from that to him actually taking them, and, if he did, for how protracted a period." Not much of a leap there big guy. What was he doing with them if not taking them? Unless there's a big stash of unused steroids under the bed, or his dog is all bulked up, I have a hard time believing he didn't take those steroids.

Wiley's second big point is that people don't want Bonds to have the home run record. They don't want Bonds to break Babe Ruth's record because Ruth was white. I'm not buying this one either, mostly because as Wiley points out, Hank Aaron already broke Ruth's record. Hank Aaron was a black guy breaking Ruth's record. He demolished it. I don't argue the point that Aaron may have encountered obstacles along the way specifically because of his race. I will argue the point that Bonds is encountering those same obstacles. The home run record has been held by a black man for years, why should people care now all of the sudden? Bonds would be passing Ruth for second place. Second place! When was the last time Americans cared about second place for anything?

As an aside, I don't care at all about the home run record. Did steroids help Bonds? Maybe. Steroids probably didn't garner Bonds that many extra home runs though. It takes a lot more than strength to hit a baseball out of the park, and Wiley has a point about that. Juicing up isn't going to make you a superstar, otherwise everyone would be playing professional sports right now. Bonds probably would have broken the record with or without the aid of steroids.

The home run record isn't the point though. Steroids isn't really the point either. The reason I felt compelled to write today is because Ralph Wiley (and Bonds) brought up the issue of race as the motivation behind this current debate on steroids. This is nonsense. In many cases, its true. Race is a motivation behind lots of injustice in the world, and I'm so glad when people like Ralph Wiley, people in a position of influence, point it out to the world. But in a case like Bonds', where his argument is shaky at best, it discredits all the times he rightly pointed out racism in society. Much like the boy who cried wolf, people will start to tune him out. How many times can you cry racism before people stop listening entirely?

2004-03-01T02:21:00.000-05:00

BLOG 264

I promised several people a new blog in the past few days, but I really haven't had the time to get around to it until now. Today it gets a little personal, more than usual even. For those of you who have read for a while, you've no doubt read about the CYCLE. I detailed it back in BLOG 222 (August 2003).

Well the cycle has been broken. It no longer has to be typed in all capital letters to emphasize its power. Even though it's still technically winter, things haven't gone horribly wrong with my relationship and spring isn't looking to be a period of bitterness. The big milestone day in the cycle has always been Valentine's day. Traditionally, Valentine's has been... terrible. Just straight up nasty. Some of you know that the worst day of my life happened of Valentine's Day, and all the other ones have been varying degrees of bad too.

"All of them? Surely you've had at least one good Valentine's Day. You're 24, what about those elementary school days when you had to give valentines to everyone? Weren't those good?" Not really. I guess getting all that candy was good, but I was too young to care. And even then, the pure commercial nature of the holiday was readily apparent. What better way to scam people than get little kids to buy a bunch of cards and candy, and force them to get thirty of each? It only gets more expensive as you get older. Flowers, chocolates, cards, teddy bears, random gifts... they all start adding up. Not only that, if you're in a long term relationship, you have to top yourself every year. Every subsequent year you have to crank up both the monetary value and the thought and effort behind the planning of the day. Commercially manufactured days bug me.

So I hate Valentine's Day. That doesn't mean they all have to suck right? Yes it does. With the cycle, I've had several relationships, non-relationships, and pseudo-relationships leading into February where I think to myself "Maybe I'll buy into the commercialization and do something nice for this girl because I really like her, and its an excuse to tell her how I feel." Right. We know how that's turned out in the past. The cycle cruelly hasn't allowed any of it to happen, until now.

I had a great Valentine's Day this year. It only took 24 years, but I'll take what I can get. It was everything I think it was supposed to be. I let newgirl (who shall now be known as M in this space) know how I felt, I spent a modest amount of money, and we had a great time. So the cycle is broken, Valentine's is only as commercial as you let it me, and things are going great with M and me. So if you'll excuse me, I have to start thinking of ways to top myself next year.